When The Dragon Comes For You

Let me describe an image for you. The image is dreary and filled with despair but one that shows how the attachment bond between husband and wife can make a huge difference in coping abilities, let alone satisfaction in marriage.

A companion makes the difference. Life is like a being in a dark tunnel with no way out. All of a sudden there is a dragon and the end of the tunnel. The dragon is coming for you. You are going to have to fight the dragon. Not just today but every day.

The purpose of life isn’t whether you win or lose the fight but how well you fight. When you have to fight the dragon alone it is hard. Your heart and courage fail you. It is hard to keep going.

But if you have a companion beside you, someone with whom you can share the fight, that changes everything. It tranquilizes the nervous system. You fight better. There is hope. It isn’t as hard. You count on each other. You guard each other’s back. You hold, comfort, soothe and reassure each other. The fight just might be winnable.

Who is that person at your side? It is your spouse or if you are not married, it is a parent, a friend, a confidant - someone who is there for you when the dragon comes. A strong marriage where partners are a safe haven for each other is the core of coping with overwhelming stress. That is how it should work.

The attachment bond as a buffer to stress. One vital dimension of marriage is that it provides a sense of security, especially during times of crisis. It is like having someone in your corner when life gets overwhelming. A dependable source of intimacy is an essential buffer for dealing with stress and trauma. It is part of the bargain of marriage.

Trust and support become magnified because modern day community and family supports are diminishing. Being lonely and alone is more dangerous to mortality than smoking. Being lonely in marriage is heartbreaking.

Even when there are other differences and conflicts in a marriage, what makes the relationship secure is the ability of the couple to stay connected emotionally. They are able to retreat to one another’s arms for comfort and care.

Violation of attachment bond. What happens if this secure bond is violated in a way that a spouse is left alone when he or she is most helpless and desperate? The violation is experienced as a betrayal of trust or abandonment at a crucial moment of need or threat. An injury has been inflicted. It is a wound to their marital bond.

These times of adversity are different for different people. It could be a time of financial ruin, job loss, public humiliation, physical threat to life, physical illness, miscarriage, death of a loved one, birth, or rejection by a friend. One painful example is infidelity. Instead of being a safe haven for comfort, the offending spouse becomes the source of pain, threat and rejection.

"You weren’t there for me. You left me alone. My hurt didn’t matter to you. You didn’t care. Never again will you do that to me."

The act of abandonment or betrayal defines clearly how unreliable and foolish it is to rely on the offending partner for support. Tragically, at the time a great vulnerability and when presence and comfort were most essential, their partner was "missing in action". Or, in cases like abuse, affairs or money fraud, a spouse is the one who inflicts hurt and trauma.

A particular traumatic episode may be just one incident but it becomes symbolic of the loss of trust that has accumulated with a repeated history of similar letdowns.

No resolution. If apologies or reassurances are given, they aren’t good enough or they are not believed. The injured spouse can’t let it go. The traumatic incident takes on a disproportionate influence on their relationship from that time forward. How do you accept comfort from someone who doesn’t care or doesn’t "get it"?

Reminders of the traumatic event trigger emotion with fresh and renewed intensity. Sometimes the wounded partner retreats into a state of being numb and shut down.

If the offending spouse responds to the hurt by discounting, denying, dismissing or simply not "getting it", it is a double wound. This intense defensive reaction is extremely provocative to the injured partner. Repeated conversations about the "event" confirm the inner experience of disappointment and hopelessness for each partner.

The offending event becomes the subject of constant bickering, hostility and a part of an inflexible attack/defend cycle of the "here we go again" variety. The aversive interactions between them cause marital partners to withdraw into despair, alienation and aching loneliness. Even if the hurtful event is not openly discussed, it is still there producing tension and emotional isolation.

Getting back on the same side. How does a couple heal this raw wound and get trust back so they can be on the same side? How can a "never again" be set aside? How do they stop being dragons to each other and focus on the real dragons of life? Do they really have to be alone in dealing with adversity?