Dr. Val Farmer
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships
  1. Val Farmer 35 Years of Counseling
  2. General Topics
  3. VI. Relationships

8. Forgiveness and Reconciliation

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    Articles

    A Husband's Lament: Why Can't She See I've Changed? (August 1996)

    George is a perfectionist, a workaholic and a guy trying to win approval from others by doing all the "right" things. He is trying to overcome his feelings of shame and inadequacy that came from growing up in an alcoholic home. His com

    Putting The Past In The Past (October 2000)
    this article describes how hurtful events from the past can be emotionally resolved if the offender takes steps to acknowledge the hurt and pain caused in with appropriate empathy and understanding, apologizes in a heart-felt manner, commits to changing the behavior and then lives up to the changes promised.
    When Your Partner Wasn't There For You (November 2002)
    This column describes attachment injuries (abandonment, betrayal), why they cause a lack of trust and why they are so persistent in refusing to go away. The process of recovery and reconcilation is described.
    What Makes A Good Enough Apology?  (March 2005)
    The article describes the elements of an apology that really can resolve an emotional wound or trauma. Many apologies are too short and inadquate to help the offended party let go of the offense.
    What Do You Do When There Is No Apology? (April 2005)
    The article describes middle ground between forgiveness and not forgiving. It is called acceptance. This give the offended party a way of staying in a relationship without the offender doing their part to restore the relationship.
    How Holding Grudges Harms Marriage (September 2006)
    This article describes the difference between anger and resentment. Holding on to resentments is motivated by a desire or justice and revenge while anger is an attempt to bring a problem to the surface and get it resolved.
    Forgiveness Is A Gift; Trust Is Earned  (October 2007)
    This article describes the importance of forgiveness, not only for the offender but for the well-being of the victim as well. The difference between forgiveness and trust is also explained.
    When The Dragon Comes For You (December 2007)
    This article describes the violation of the attachment bond in marriage and how it leaves barriers to intimacy and trust until the matter is resolved
    Emotional Abandonment Takes Toll On Marriage (December 2008)
    This article describes how emotional distance during a time when a marital partner is experiencing a major threat or loss drives a wedge between a couple. It isn't easily resolved unless there is a full understanding and apology for the offending behavior.