Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Breaking Through Contentious Patterns Of Marital Communications

October 9, 2006

Bill and Joan Bickerson (fictitious names) have an ongoing debate about everything - or so it seems. They are strong-minded and stubborn and take their arguments seriously. There is too much conflict in their marriage. Over time, constant bickering takes away the love they once felt.

Bill and Joan have a competitive need to prove themselves "right" or "smarter" than their partner. Each sees his or her own verbal fisticuffs as trying hard to get respect and to be heard. Arguments escalate. Each feels there is going to be a winner and a loser.

Bill and Joan are quick thinkers. Too quick. Their minds race ahead to their own opinion, counter-argument or explanation of what they think their partner is driving at. They interrupt. They immediately launch into their side of the story. They do not acknowledge the validity of what they just heard.

The Bickersons may be quite expressive but are poor listeners. They listen to argue better. They listen for inaccuracies, exaggerations or exceptions. They quibble with the details rather than listen for the main point or the intent of the message. Joan and Bill have become authorities on what each other "really" thinks rather than taking what is said at face value.

Add one more ingredient to their exasperation. Their arguments range far and wide. Topics shift and are linked to other unresolved arguments. There is no resolution to their first issue and it gets blurred with other past hurts and ongoing differences. After a while the lack of conflict resolution and general negativity take a huge toll.

Are you are worn out thinking about the Bickersons? Think how worn out they must feel. Can couples like the Bickersons break their destructive pattern of contention? Here are some helpful pointers.

1. Only one speaker at a time, please! Whoever is speaking deserves respect, a good listener, and the right to be heard and understood.

Only one person should speak at a time. If the listener asks to have the floor and his or her request is granted, the former speaker becomes the new listener. Asking for the floor is effective if you have first demonstrated that you understand. Let your partner finish his or her thoughts before requesting the floor. Don't use it as a ploy to take over the conversation.

2. The listener has only one job - to listen. Active listening is done by summarizing or paraphrasing a partner's main points in a caring manner using empathy and good body language. The listener can't interrupt, offer an opinion, rebut or dispute what is being said. His or her job is to understand the speaker and reflect back that understanding.

Don’t dispute what was said, how it was said or quibble with details. If your partner has used extreme language, summarize using a more moderate description.

3. After summarizing, ask good questions and draw the speaker out. This takes an attitude of curiosity and loving concern. Too many people presume they already know their partner's feelings and ideas so there is no need to ask or learn more.

Explore deeply the meaning of your partner’s opinion in relation to prior experiences. How did he or she come to feel that way? In the process of listening, the listener may discover something unique and special that makes the issue emotionally compelling. Behind the complaints and conflict is a man or a woman with emotional triggers based on past relationships and legitimate reasons for feeling the way he or she does.

Leading questions can be a problem. They can serve as a disguised way of smuggling one's own opinions into the discussion. The more open-ended the questions, the better.

4. Create goodwill by increasing loving actions. Efforts at communicating go better when there is an atmosphere of love and caring. The Bickersons aren't as loving toward one another when they are feeling frustrated, angry and misunderstood.

Improvement in communications has to be matched by an effort at being more loving and considerate with each other. Couples like the Bickersons need to be more tender and loving, show more attention, do favors, and aggressively meet each other's needs. They should do this in such a way that their partner knows he or she is cared for and appreciated.

Knowing your partner knows, yet doesn't care, feels much worse than not getting through.

If no progress is being made, the couple may need professional attention to address their communication problems. Poor listening or lack of love may reflect other basic problems in the relationship such as self-centeredness, family of origin issues or personal insecurities.

Couples get farther with listening. The more detached and relaxed the listener becomes, the more the speaker experiences the listener as being emotionally available. The speaker is free to share deeper feelings instead of trying to break through his or her partner's poor listening habits. The speaker also becomes more detached, relaxed and less pressured in his or her communication style.

The negative patterns of blaming, attacking, interrupting, criticizing, labeling, ignoring, interpreting, discounting, withholding and denying are short circuited. Thoughtful comments and sensitive responses that take the speaker's point of view into account replace automatic assumptions and rebuttals.

The couple is free to learn about each other. When they trust that intimate thoughts and feelings will be listened to, the love they once felt returns.