What I Wish Couples Knew About Marriage

I have a new book, To Have and To Hold, which will be available Oct. 1, 2006. The book ends with a few final thoughts on what I wish couples knew about marriage. Here is my wish list.

- It is important to nurture and meet the emotional needs of each other as the foundation of love. Love is the expression of attitudes and behavior in which the well-being of your spouse is first and foremost. Your happiness is not complete without your partner’s happiness. This loving consideration is expressed many ways in the constancy of daily actions. The loveliness of marriage comes with daily doses of kindness, consideration, courtesy, thoughtfulness, affection and appreciation.

- It is important for couples to share the emotions, struggles and triumphs of daily life with each other. Too many couples grow apart by not talking enough. Without mutual goals and a shared lifestyle the marital bond weakens and suffers when life gets too busy or too hard. Don’t internalize problems and withdraw emotionally. To share difficulties is to invite care and new ideas into your life. Listen to your loved one’s struggles as well.

- It is important to take the time to really listen and understand each other before reflexively giving one’s own opinion. Listening seems to be a lost art. Poor listening leads to misunderstandings and poor relationships. Too many couples don’t listen well. Relationships skills can be learned.

- It is important to talk out problems instead of ignoring or avoiding them. Problems can be solved through communication and respectful dialogue. Too many couples avoid conflict and allow anger and resentment to grow while problems remain unresolved.

- Anger and temper problems are destructive in relationships. These negative behaviors need to be nipped in the bud through disengagement, self-control, and patience. Frustrations can be expressed in more thoughtful ways. Too many couples haven’t learned to control their tempers. They damage their relationships through angry outbursts. It is important to eliminate destructive behaviors that are incompatible with loving relationships.

- It is important to learn to manage personal stress. Personal stress and workplace frustrations can spill over on to each other. Too many couples are unaware of how their negative emotions and poor emotional control affect the people around them.

- Couples need to be mutually supportive and involved with each other’s lives. Work is an important part of successful living. Be supportive when the additional pressures of home and work add complexity and stress to life. Too many couples allow the stress of their work and family responsibilities to come between them. They don’t learn to work together and cooperate as a team.

- It is important to seek help for marital difficulties before problems become magnified and too much damage has been done. Too many men don’t take their wives unhappiness and complaints seriously enough. They don’t go for help until their wife’s motivation for change has been sapped and she wants out of the marriage.

- Couples need to communicate well during crises and adversity. Too many spouses feel isolated., alone and helpless during times of stress when their mates refuse to communicate or when they lash out with anger and blame. What they need is care, comfort and a listening ear for each other’s thoughts and feelings. Couples need to find safety and comfort in each other’s hearts and arms.

- Marriage needs an atmosphere where fun, light-hearted humor and play are a regular part of being together. Too many couples are too involved with their work or parenting. They lose track of how they need to find a place for humor, companionship and fun in their lives.

- It is important to live a balanced life. Marriage is enhanced by positive relationships, leisure, friendships, reflection, spirituality, service to others, and deep communications. As there is a need for togetherness in marriage, there is also a need for separateness and personal development.

- It is important to help your spouse grow and be the kind of person he or she wants to be and is capable of becoming. Your spouse is a person who needs to grow, to experience newness, change, self-discovery and accomplishment. Sacrifice helps make it happen. In your own efforts for growth, be open to loving criticism and caring concern.

- It is important to keep your marriage full of romance, affection, and sexual passion. Your loved one needs to know he or she is desired and attractive. Don’t lose track of the special chemistry that makes this relationship different from all others.

- Success in marriage requires dedication and commitment, in other words, hard work. But this work is a labor of love. The payoff will be a secure, loving relationship that will be a fountain of joy and a refuge for life’s sorrows. Your legacy of marriage will permit your children to joyfully embrace marriage, unafraid of its challenges and confident in their ability to succeed both in life and in love.