Are Cross-Sex Friendships A Threat To Marriage?

Can married partners have cross-sex friendships that are rewarding and yet not threaten the quality of their marital relationship? Does friendship necessarily turn into passion? Supposing both friends felt that there was no sexual tension between them, would there still be a problem?

From the letters I received and discussions I've had, I am impressed with the strong opinions people have on this issue.

The case FOR cross-sex friendships. Here are some points that proponents of cross-sex friendships mention when defending the practice.

- Everything in life isn't sex-motivated. There are relationships where there is no spark, no attraction, no sexual friction. These relationships offer a window to the male or female psyche in the absence of sexual tension. "He is the 'big brother' I've always dreamed of having."

Advice and viewpoints from the opposite sex can be enlightening, especially when the friend doesn't have a stake in the outcome. Friendship, respect and a certain level of intimacy can grow with colleagues in the workplace without damaging primary relations at home.

- We can experience freedom and playfulness in a safe relationship where there is no control or possessiveness to complicate the relationship. Cross-sex friendships offer an avenue for needed emotional and social acceptance.

Cross-sex friendships affirm our masculine and feminine qualities. These relationships have the quality of innocent flirting . . . of making people feel good about themselves. It reinforces the feeling that members of the opposite sex find us interesting and attractive.

- Even if we experience some sexual tension in the relationship, we do not have to act on it. We have the self-discipline and inner values to recognize appropriate and inappropriate behavior and not to step over the line.

Married men and women deal with this all the time. There are unspoken rules for being intimate without getting intimate.

- Not all needs can be met by one person. Having cross-sex friendships reduces the amount of expectations on the marriage. "I like women, talking to them, being fascinated by them. Each woman has something different to offer." Extra-marital friendships can enrich a marriage.

The case AGAINST cross-sex friendships. Here are the arguments against cross-sex friendships as they impact marriage.

- Rarely are cross-sex friendships emotionally pure. Sexual tension is always present, whether it is acted on or not. That's what makes it interesting.

The natural conclusion to conversational intimacy is physical intimacy. Affairs have innocent beginnings. "His admiration triggered a response in me." Friendship can evolve into passion as well as the other way around. Cross-sex friends may work hard to deny the erotic sparks.

Circumstances change. One partner may become more vulnerable. Rationalizations begin. Strong values are compromised. Suppressed feelings become actions. Affairs begin when we come to know or admire someone too well or when we begin to confide about problems in our marriage. Affairs have innocent beginnings in friendships.

- We have limited time and energy to spend on relationships. Emotional closeness and sharing in friendships takes away energy from the marriage. Cross-sex friendships don't have a future. Marriage does.

Spouses live in the real world where they have commitments and responsibilities. It isn't always possible to have "on demand" intimacy or attention. Friendships are deceptively simple and devoid of problems and differences to work out. Confiding in a friend can be a substitute for working through problems.

- The perception of positive qualities in a friend might lead to feelings of deprivation within the marriage. Comparisons are inevitable. By contrast, our spouse doesn't arouse or excite like the friend. Our admiration and appreciation of our friend may lead to a subtle dissatisfaction with certain qualities in our spouse.

The attraction of the friendship makes the spouse feel inadequate and insecure. He or she might wonder, "What am I not doing or bringing to the marriage? Why does my partner have the freedom to speak with a friend in a way that doesn't happen between us?"

This "soul-matching" outside of marriage robs from the possibilities of what should be happening within the marriage.

- The friendship represents an intrusion into the private world of the couple. Certain conversations are special, saved only for the partner. You can be disloyal with the heart and not with the body.

Sexual identity and identity are close to being one and the same, the essence of who we are.

Sharing special feelings, playfulness, dreams, joys, despair, and trials is sharing our masculinity and femininity in ways that should be reserved for one’s partner and one’s partner alone. Shouldn't effort be made into having these magical moments of bonding and intimacy happen inside the marriage?

For the sake of the marriage, why take any risks with friendships that potentially detract from marital trust and security? How your partner feels about this should be considered. If the cross-sex friendship threatens the emotional security of the marital bond, is it too much to ask a spouse to curtail the relationship?

What do you think?