Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Why Good People Cheat On Their Spouses

August 22, 2005

I once did a column on fraud, embezzlement and white collar crime. I interviewed Tom Buckhoff, PhD, CPA and Certified Fraud Examiner. He specializes in fraud detection, investigation and prevention. He is currently on the faculty at Georgia State University.

He explained a theory from his field that I think has application to understanding on why good people with high moral standards cheat on their spouses. Buckhoff describes three basic elements necessary for fraud to occur - opportunity, pressure, and rationalization of values.

Opportunity. Opportunity can be real or perceived. Opportunity comes with poor or nonexistent controls with a person who is in a key position of trust within the organization. The most common comment Buckhoff hears from owners, managers or partners is, "I can't believe he would do this. He was my most trusted employee."

People are able to commit fraud precisely because they are trusted. People who think they will be detected rarely commit fraud.

In a world of men and women in the workplace, personal mobility, business and professional travel, and socializing among friends, opportunities for affairs exist. Vigilance, surveillance, and interrogations might reduce the opportunity for an affair to occur. However, this is counterproductive to a good relationship. Relationships work best when there is trust and the control is internal.

However there are some danger points in opposite gender relationships: intimate conversations with the opposite sex, confiding about or listening to marital problems, and flirtatious behavior that suggests opportunity. Husbands and wives can prevent affairs by avoiding these kind of "innocent" beginnings that mushroom into real opportunity.

Pressure. The right amount of pressure can cause even honest people to commit fraud. Employees under a lot of pressure should not be exposed to positions of financial temptation. Examples of pressure include: living extravagantly beyond one's means, having personal debt, alcohol, drug or gambling addictions, or job dissatisfaction.

In marital relationships, what are the internal pressures that condition people for affairs? Maybe it is marital dissatisfaction based on the lack of emotional needs being met, solved or even discussed. Perhaps it is high conflict and poor problem-solving that takes a toll on emotional and physical intimacy. Perhaps there are sexual problems and dissatisfaction.

It could be all kinds of things. The point is marriage takes work. There are ups and downs to any relationship and strong and weak points in any partner. Fidelity is not based on feeling love or happiness all the time.

When there is unhappiness in marriage, it needs to be addressed through heart- to-heart discussion and if one’s best efforts fail, marital counseling. By living in a persistently unhappy condition, you become vulnerable to an affair. Partners need to know about the emotional details of their spouse’s life and to respond to complaints and concerns as they come up.

Rationalization. The third element for fraud to occur is the ability to rationalize one's behavior. A person committing fraud needs to rationalize the fraud so the fraudulent activities are consistent with his/her personal code of conduct. A disgruntled employee can rationalize that he or she is overworked, underpaid or unappreciated. Theft can be perceived as a way of getting justice or retaliation.

To live with themselves a person has to explain their fraud as OK, that what he or she is doing isn't that wrong. Someone who is prone to excuse making or not taking responsibility for mistakes finds it easier to rationalize the personal use of business resources.

Here are some other common rationalizations. "I'm only borrowing the money; I'll pay it back." "Everyone does it." "I'm not hurting anyone." "It's for a good purpose." "It's not that serious."

In the world of affairs, what are some common rationalizations? "We are just friends." "How could something that makes me feel good and loved be wrong?" "I don’t have feelings for my spouse anymore. "I deserve love." "She will never know about this." "Our marriage is over anyway." "I will never leave my wife and family - this is something that will end and no one needs to know."

One justification leads to another and soon the wayward spouse is on a slippery slope. It is a short distance from a secretive meeting or an after work conversation to a first kiss. It is a short distance from a first kiss to sexual intimacy. The self-deception, lies and deception start right from the beginning as the offender explores a "real" opportunity for an affair.

The combination. The combination of all three factors, opportunity, pressure, and ability to rationalize come together in a way that people with good values are caught up in illicit behavior. Sometimes people are faithful because there is no real opportunity to be unfaithful. Sometimes people are faithful because they are happy and content with their lives, especially with their marriage. This won’t always be the case.

What is the best way to protect your marriage from affairs? It is the ability to honor one’s vows no matter what. It is knowing that adultery is wrong, that it destroys trust and inflicts great harm. It is your moral and religious values and beliefs that underpin character and trust. That is what your spouse needs to count on.

Opportunities will be there. Pressures will come. In the end, it is your honor and personal integrity that will really protect your marriage from an affair.