How much time and attention do husbands and wives devote to meeting their own needs
versus meeting the needs of the other? How do these five different attitudes describe your
commitment to your or your spouses well being: selfishness, convenience, fairness,
sacrifice, and devotion?
1. Selfishness. When a relationship is based on selfishness, satisfying your own
needs becomes a top priority. The needs of your spouse are seldom taken into account. A
relationship based on selfishness is about taking and getting rather than giving.
Selfishness represents a trust in power to get your own needs met. A spouse acting in a
selfish way doesnt trust their partners willingness to give what he or she
wants. However, you cant really use power to make people love you or want you to
have what you want. It doesnt work. Behind the illusion of control in selfishness is
helplessness.
2. Convenience. Relationships based on convenience occur when one partner is
allowed limited access to the other's time and attention. The needs of the partner are
sometimes considered, but only when it is convenient to do so. This is often expressed as,
"Ill be good to you and do things for you as long as it doesn't inconvenience
me."
Partners are willing to be helpful but are reluctant to sacrifice. The subtle message,
"You are not a top priority," is sent. A spouse learns that he or she is not
that important to their partner, at least not as important as he or she wants to be. After
time, a spouse who feels like a second fiddle may seek importance in other places, such as
in a job, children or friendships.
3. Fairness. A committed relationship is based on a willingness of each spouse
to share what they have with each other through bargaining, compromise and negotiations.
There is a willingness to solve problems.
There is trust in the basic fairness and equality of the relationship. Each partner is
vulnerable to the other, trusting that his or her partner will not exploit a willingness
to give or inconvenience oneself for the other in the process of finding a solution.
Reciprocity is the basic minimum for a good relationship. There is balance in the
relationship. Your needs don't take precedence over your partner's needs. The willingness
to give is tempered by reality. Discussion, negotiations and give-and-take are important
skills in insuring that both partners needs are being met.
In the short term, one partners needs may take precedence but over time both
partners needs will be met in a balanced and fair way. There might be tradeoffs but no
score keeping. The logistics of life require a good relationship to be good at
problem-solving and not just sacrifice.
4. Sacrifice. This kind of relationship is based on a willingness to give
without regard to equality or expectation of return. Sacrifice has caring as a foundation.
Each partner experiences pleasure in meeting the needs of their partner. Your own needs
don't matter as much as pleasing your partner or putting your partners happiness
first.
This willingness to respond to a partners needs may also be described with words
like love, service, and charity. To give in this way involves a commitment of time,
attention, and resources to meet anothers needs even when it is inconvenient. Your
needs are willingly set aside to meet the needs of a loved one. By reaching outside of
yourself through acts of love, you affirm the value of the one you love.
5. Devotion. When a relationship is based on devotion, each partner actively
seeks opportunities to serve the other. Instead of waiting to be asked, each spouse tries
to anticipate the needs of the other and to meet those needs before they arise.
This is an active, vigilant monitoring of their partner's happiness. It is similar to
the way a host monitors and anticipates a guest's needs before they ask. An example would
be, "I thought you might need some time alone, so I took the children to the
park."
In a marriage, devotion means knowing your partner well and being mindful about him or
her - giving yourself over wholly and purposefully. It requires paying attention,
anticipating needs, and putting a priority on the relationship.
Both love and devotion are good. Acts of love and sacrifice in response to a
request are good. A willing heart is a loving heart. Marriage partners can learn to show
more devotion by being more attentive, anticipating needs and remembering past
conversations and requests. It doesnt matter that much whether the loving action is
a result of a request or anticipating a need - it shouldnt be a source of conflict.
If you operate on this side of the continuum, it is all good.
Increasing the amount of giving in the form of sacrifice or devotion increases
intimacy. This takes a change of heart from "getting" to "giving" and
in centering ones attention on the others happiness.
Desire to change. Good relationships circle around fairness, sacrifice, and
devotion with occasional acts of thoughtlessness based on convenience or selfishness. Bad
relationships circle around fairness, convenience or selfishness with occasional acts of
sacrifice and even fewer acts of devotion.
Couples in poor relationships need to make a courageous decision to become vulnerable
to the love and good will of their partners for getting their needs met. The miracle is
that we get love by giving love.
This continuum of five attitudes is adapted from Bernard Poduskas work on
resource allocation within marriage. He is an associate professor of family life at
Brigham Young University.