You Caught Him In An Affair, Now What?

A world turned upside down. You have just caught your husband in an affair. A hard kick in the stomach couldn't hurt any worse. It feels like emotional rape. Waves of emotion sweep through you, emotions you never knew you could feel. Shock. Horror. Tears. Humiliation. Anger. Inadequacy. Insecurity. Betrayal. Rejection. More anger. More tears.

The lies are the worst. What is true? How do you know he is not lying now? You feel like a fool. To make matters worse, here he is acting like his world is falling apart and not being sure what he really wants. Even his indecision now he's been caught staggers you. He really does care for his affair partner - enough to keep trying to straddle the fence.

It is obvious that your husband isn't exactly rational and doesn’t know his own mind. He didn't leave before and he obviously isn't making plans to leave now. Irrationally, he would like to have it both ways.

You feel like hurting him and yet you still love him. There has been too much love between you to believe he is willing to throw it all away. And, of course, there are the children. The family is important. Whoa! Slow down! Don't make hasty decisions or threaten things you may not mean.

Here are some steps to consider. If you can do half of them in any orderly sequence, give yourself high marks.

1. Express your feelings. There is no adult, mature way of dealing with this. The pain is too great. Don't slip into a caregiving role. Your own needs are paramount. Don't be put on the defensive. You are the victim, not him. Being strong, tough, and firm tells him you value yourself, no matter how he, in his stupidity, has treated you.

2. Get the facts. Go after reasons, not details. Try to understand what happened and why. Insist on honesty. Warn him that further dishonesty will only damage both your attempts to trust him again. The truth hurts but only the truth can heal.

3. Emotionally pull away until the affair is over. Don't feel you are obligated to act in a domestic, loving, compassionate way with him as long as he hasn't irrevocably broken off the affair. You compromise your integrity by having sexual relations with him. He needs to know that he has to make a choice and your behavior will make it obvious to him that you won't tolerate another woman in his life.

4. Take time to think and meditate. Don't let the present destroy the past. Do nothing. What do you really want to have happen? Many people say they could never forgive an affair - until it happens to them. Don’t let your pride end what was once and still could be a good marriage.

5. Seek help. Find a friend, confidante, clergy, or counselor with whom you can share your innermost feelings. You need an objective person who can listen and allow you to come to your own conclusions. Having a genuine sounding board will spur you forward in thinking about what you want. Sharing your story indiscriminately may create obstacles to future relationships if you do work out your problems.

Gather information. Go to the bookstore and read up on affairs. You aren’t the first and won’t be the last to go through this.

6. Getting rid of the affair partner. Give your husband an ultimatum to get his lover out of his life by a certain time. Your demeanor and attitude should be crisp, confident and deliberate. Do not have this conversation in anger.

7. Consider a separation. If he refuses to break it off, then a marital separation is in order. Outline specific conditions to the separation so he knows it is real. Let him know your thoughts about future custody of the children if he should decide to end the marriage. Now that you know what is going on, you refuse to knowingly tolerate any further disloyalty or infidelity.

You are not forcing him to stay with you. You are only telling him what the stakes are and that he has to make a choice. As much as it may hurt, you are willing to accept his decision. You do not intend to stay with a man who can’t be loyal to you.

When he has gotten the other woman out of his life, both of you are in a position to move ahead and try to rebuild your relationship. If he still can't make up his mind then, in his separated status, he should seek counseling on his own. Breaking off all contact is the key. His defensive or loyal attitude toward her is another problem to be overcome.

8. Get into counseling. Stipulate that any efforts at reconciliation will be done in professional or pastoral counseling. Tell him that you are willing to look at yourself and make whatever changes are necessary, but not until you know his commitment to working at the marriage is wholehearted.