Improve Listening By Using Talking Stick

In my counseling practice, I can turn a poor listener into a good listener through a simple exercise. I use a talking stick as a visual reminder of who has the floor in a conversation and to teach respect for the right of that person to complete his or her thoughts.

The talking stick insures a democratic process where everyone is expected to contribute and has a right to speak as equals. The talking stick creates a safe space for people to talk to one another from the heart. It is especially useful when people are in disagreement and need to work through conflict.

Carol Locust, Ph.D. of the Native American Research and Training Center, Tucson, Arizona states, "Whoever holds the talking stick has within his hands the sacred power of words. Only he can speak while he holds the stick; the other council members must remain silent. The talking stick carries respect for free speech and assures the speaker he has the freedom and po

wer to say what is in his heart without fear of reprisal or humiliation."

What the speaker needs. A speaker is often confronted with a listener jumping in and interrupting with their thoughts, opinions, advice, counter-arguments or pearls of wisdom. The speaker doesn’t know whether to listen respectfully and respond to what they just heard or to redouble their efforts to be heard. The speaker doesn’t feel listened to and feels frustrated.

The talking stick reminds others to listen without interruption and to focus on understanding rather than formulating their own thoughts in response. The talking stick takes away the listener’s right to interrupt or respond until the floor is gained legitimately.

Listening becomes simpler. With no permission to respond, the listener’s power of concentration is totally focused on the understanding the message of the speaker. Without competition from their own thoughts or personal agenda, a listener can process what is being said. It is easier to listen when there is no intention to respond with intelligent, witty or critical remarks.

A listener should interrupt when he or she feels overloaded or confused. An interruption can be done by hand signals or by letting the speaker know when there is difficulty in understanding.

People vary widely in their attention spans. The speaker needs to become familiar with the attention span of the listener. By using elaborate descriptions, excessive detail or piggybacking too many ideas or issues into a non-stop monologue, many speakers lose their listeners early on and don’t know it.

There is another time when the listener needs to interrupt or when the speaker needs to yield the floor. When the listener’s anxiety, anger, sorrow or arousal level is too great, he or she needs to be the speaker. Recognizing and responding to these emotional cues is an important key on when to pass the talking stick.

Summarizing key points. The role of the listener is to summarize the speaker’s thoughts back to him or herself in a caring and respectful way. A caring summary does not include judgment or criticism. The tone of voice or body language the listener uses may carry messages of disapproval, disbelief, disinterest, or ridicule. The listener can’t resort to non-verbal means to engage in a rebuttal process.

The listener should paraphrase the intent of the message. They shouldn’t dispute the way something is said or quarrel with facts or details that are not quite right. The summary should minimize or soften provocative or exaggerated language into milder vocabulary.

By showing understanding doesn’t mean the listener agrees with the speaker. It does mean that the listener is patiently waiting his or her turn to be the speaker. Some listeners like to make brief notes as a reminder of points they might want to react to later.

Ask open-ended questions. The listener needs to adopt a curious attitude about what the speaker is saying and to gently probe for further details and explanations. By being a sounding board and asking good questions, the speaker can use the listener’s feedback as a springboard to deeper background and share emotional experiences connected to their opinions.

One dangerous use of listening is when the listener tries to shape the speaker’s thinking by asking leading questions or smuggling in their own thoughts through distorted summaries that reflect their point of view.

The talking stick also helps the speaker. Some communication suffers because the one party avoids expressing thoughts or feelings or when another party is too dominant and aggressive in conversations.

The stick is an equal opportunity tool for correcting problems, especially when one partner may not be assertive enough to gain or hold on to the floor long enough to be really heard. The stick serves as an invitation and encouragement to speak for those who frequently don’t have a voice in a relationship.

Passing the talking stick. The stick can be requested or offered. The listener can verify that the speaker has finished and then asks for the floor. The talking stick can be passed temporarily for a brief clarification or commentary then given back to the speaker to continue.

The speaker retains the right of the floor unless he or she voluntarily gives it up. When the speaker relinquishes the floor, he or she shifts into the listening role. The talking stick serves as a powerful visual reminder of who is the speaker.