Six Reasons Why Marriages Fail

One "headline" speaker at a "Smart marriages-Happy marriages" conference I attended in Washington, D.C. this summer was psychologist John Gottman. He spoke about his Marriage Lab research program at the University of Washington. His lab found that we can almost predict divorce if there is:

1. Too much conflict. If there are too many negative interactions as compared to the number of positive interactions divorce is near. Examples of negative interactions would include harsh judgments, rudeness, criticisms, temper outbursts, blame, hostility and other types of unresolved conflict. He believes that low levels of conflict are a sign of marital health.

2. Destructive communication. Gottman has identified four destructive communication patterns.

- Criticism: finding their partner defective, attacking the personality or character of their partner and not focusing on behavior.

- Defensiveness: being right, denying responsibility, making excuses, cross complaining, playing the innocent victim, making counter complaints, whining, justifying mistakes and not really paying attention to the message of their partner.

- Contempt: insulting or psychologically abusing their partner, communicating superiority by name calling, hostile humor and sarcasm, mockery and body language such as rolling the eyes, sneering, and curling the upper lip.

- Stonewalling: a habitual tendency to withdraw physically or emotionally, avoiding, refusing to engage their partner in problem solving, ignoring, responding with stony silence,

3. Negative emotional arousal. Gottman finds that a harsh start up to conflict triggers physiological and emotional arousal in their partner. This, in turn, activates either withdrawal or negative reactions that escalate the conflict. The intensity of the approach defeats the purpose of problem solving.

A typical pattern is that of men either fleeing or attacking under conditions of arousal while women underestimate the impact of their own emotion on communication problems. It can work both ways however, with some men being emotionally charged and their spouses withdrawing or reacting in kind. Anger creates anger.

4. Failure to repair. Happily married couples sense arguments becoming destructive and counterproductive. They make conciliatory gestures such as commenting on the interaction that is taking place, reaffirming love or admiration, keeping the discussion on the subject, soothing, calling time outs, ignoring provocative comments, and using humor to diffuse tension.

Dysfunctional couples escalate conflict while happy couples control the negativity by de-escalating conflict or being quick to repair any damage done in the interaction.

5. Failure to accept the influence of a wife. One of Gottman's more provocative findings is that marriages suffer when men fail to accept the influence of their wives. In other words, if men would just give in and do what women want, then they would set the stage for their own needs being met.

When men fail to pay attention, do not treat their partner as an equal, or fail to engage in a true negotiating process, a pattern of anger and disengagement results. In other words, men need to take their wives seriously instead of giving them lip service or being controlling.

6. Mismatch in styles of conflict resolution. Gottman identifies three ways couples match up on how they prefer to fight. These three matches are "validator-validator," "volatile-volatile," and "avoiding-avoiding." Marital problems occur when there are mismatches and each person's style frustrates the other.

Gottman's main advice is for couples to introduce more positive interactions into the marriage. He suggests doing it in non-conflict situations - it’s like depositing money in the bank. At the same time, a couple needs to cut down on negativity during conflict while introducing more positive interactions.

When couples disagree, solving the problem is not as important as controlling the conflict. Every relationship has unsolvable problems. The emotions and gridlock around unsolvable problems discourage and alienate couples. Marriage partners need to learn to regulate their own emotions during conflict. A man I saw recently said that the best thing he could do for his marriage was to mellow out.

Gottman also believes couples need to manage their stress so that it doesn't spill over into the marriage. Both need to be adept at buffering or insulating their relationship from outside pressures.

Other helpful ideas. Gottman had the following ideas for strengthening the friendship and love a couple has for one another.

1. Learn the details of your partner's life.

2. Express fondness and admiration for each other.

3. Through body language and by giving of undivided attention show openness and warmth. Be inviting and approachable. Seek one another. Be "mindful" of each other. Gottman calls this "turning toward" verses "turning away."

4. Develop a "positive sentiment override." By this Gottman means an attitude of short-circuiting negativity and initiating repair attempts. It is the opposite of having a chip on your shoulder. Negative conflict is interrupted by a desire to put the well being of the relationship ahead of one's own interests or hurts.

5. Honor each other's dreams. Listen to each other's dreams more deeply. Help make those dreams come true.

6. Create a world of your own - a private world of shared meanings, traditions and rituals.

These are good ideas. No wonder John Gottman is a "headliner."