Dr. Farmer Answers Questions About Affairs

Question: How do you get your spouse to admit he has had an affair? He has been caught in many lies over the years!

Answer: Gather the facts and catch him off-guard and red-handed. You might have to play detective to get what you need before confronting him.

You didn’t specify if the lies were about affairs. If there have been many affairs and many lies, then getting the truth out about this one may not make a difference in the long run. You need to have a zero tolerance for this affair, if it is an affair, and any future affairs.

Leave him and accept nothing less than compete honesty as a condition for reconciliation - if you decide to take him back at all. Besides the affair(s), you need to address the issue of lies head on. Relationships are built on trust and if you don’t have that, you don’t have much.

Question: With technology rising it is easier and easier to get involved in an affair through the internet. This is what happened to me. We even met twice and things looked very good, but all of a sudden she changed her mind and went back to her husband. Is it normal for someone to change their mind like that and all of a sudden have everything figured out?

Answer: Internet affairs are about fantasy. The reality doesn’t always measure up to the fantasy. Meeting you twice was an experiment. Her marriage is built on commitment, children (if she has any), friendship, common interests, values and a personal awareness of her own place in life. It doesn’t surprise me that she changed her mind based on her limited knowledge of you and her extensive knowledge of what she had and who she really is. It is no surprise she "figured it out."

If you want a relationship that lasts, don’t start with a married woman.

Question: About 6 months ago, I began an internet relationship with a man. We started typing on a chat line and it has extended to phone conversations. Our conversations take place about three times a week.

When these started my marriage was shaky at best. Many years of emotional neglect had taken their toll. My husband was complacent in letting me raise our three children and walked away whenever I needed emotional support. Whenever I would talk about this, his comment "You make your own life miserable." This was the only way he addressed the situation.

My husband feels that my friendship with this man is the only problem in our life. I tried to tell him I wouldn't be talking to anyone else if I was happy. I have sought counseling and am beginning to understand all this. Part of the problem is he won't. He doesn't feel like he's done anything wrong. He is using my friendship as a scapegoat for him not needing to do anything.

My question is - how wrong is this to be talking to someone via phone and the internet? Is it adultery in your mind? I don't think it is.

Answer: Your friendship is an emotional affair - a form of adultery even though no sexual intimacies have transpired. You are taking your private feelings and thoughts outside of the marriage. You can’t help but compare your friend and his reactions to the lack of closeness you have with your spouse. With time, it will weaken your commitment to stay in the marriage. Confiding with someone from the opposite sex about marital problems weakens your own martial bonds.

You have already noticed how you’ve lost credibility when it comes to raising your legitimate concerns about your marriage. If you are struggling with your marriage, confront the problems head on, go for counseling as a couple or even get a divorce before you start turning to someone else for love and comfort. Bringing in a third party into a bad marriage makes a bad situation incredibly worse. It is a huge mistake.

Question: My husband had an affair a couple of years ago, then I had one a few months ago. I caught him in his, and decided to forgive him. On the other hand, I didn't get caught. I didn't have the affair to get back at him, I did it because I was lonely and the person paid a lot of attention to me that my husband hadn't for a long time. I eventually told him about the affair, and he's struggling to forget. Is there something I can do to help him get over it, or is our marriage doomed?

Answer: Tell him the story of the affair from beginning to end in all the detail he needs - except for sexual details. Do so humbly and patiently - over weeks and months if you have to. Recognize the pain and hurt you have caused him. Tell him why he should trust you in the future. Ask for his forgiveness and commit yourself to complete fidelity in the future. As a couple, correct any marital issues between you and build an atmosphere of love between you that will make it easy for him to trust what he sees and feels.

Your marriage is not doomed. Many couples pay the price of putting their marriage back together through forgiveness and both working at their marriage with renewed commitment and energy. If you do all this and he still obsesses about the affair, go for counseling.