Not far down the list of marital complaints coming in a counselor’s office is
"bringing up the past". Past hurts, trauma, resentments, anger and unresolved
problems bubble to the surface like flotsam on a backwater pond.
No resolution of the event. Every marriage has its history of stupidity, willful
misconduct, selfish acts, neglect, betrayal, or even cruelty. One act can be remembered
because of its powerful effect. The wound was grievous and not enough was done to rectify
the harm caused.
The hurtful event hasn’t been repeated. Everything that can be learned from the
incident has been learned and there is no value in discussing it further. It won’t
happen again. The connection to a current problem is vague or non-existent, yet the pain
and bad memories continue to fester. The issue lies there, like so many other weeds in a a
garden, growing and eventually choking off the fruit and the flower of the marriage.
The negative emotions and memory won’t go way because of the lack of validation or
acknowledgment of the harm that was caused and the lack of a heartfelt apology or plea for
forgiveness. Victims of trauma need this to move forward. I’ve seen too many
instances where the hurt was swept under the rug, ignored and left unacknowledged. It
doesn’t go away until a proper apology has been made. The lack of an apology may be
the only thing preventing the past to be put in the past.
I’ve seen instant relief and equally quick forgiveness once a genuine apology has
been given. Why are people reluctant to apologize? Why don’t they say the words that
need to be said to repair the harm they caused? I suppose pride has something to do with
it. Maybe they don’t understand how important an apology is in the healing process.
Feeling bad and not repeating the problem are not enough. Justice demands confession
and restitution. To the extent that he or she can, an offender has to make amends for the
harm caused. The failure to make an effort to make amends can often be a stumbling block
to the process of letting go of the past.
Forgiveness. If appropriate acknowledgment, apologies and amends are made, the
burden then shifts to the victim to forgive. The failure to forgive may cause equal or
greater harm to the marriage than the actual act itself. In a similar manner to how
unexpressed apologies keep the past alive, unexpressed forgiveness holds the offender
captive and withholds a final resolution of the problem.
Forgiveness means letting go. It means giving up the power of victimhood and turning a
new page in the marriage. It means accepting that whatever justice, however meager and
unequal to the original harm, has been meted out. That’s the best it will ever be. It
is time to move on.
Saying the words of forgiveness is as important as saying the actual apology. It is a
clear signal that the past is over. Too many times the failure to say, "I forgive
you," keeps the past alive.
The past as a weapon. Sometimes the past is unfairly brought up as a weapon in a
fight to retaliate the hurt or as a powerful distracter when one is losing an argument. It
is painful. Unfortunately, it works.
However, if the relevance to the topic at hand isn’t made, the recipient feels
helpless and ambushed in an unfair fight. It feels like a sledgehammer has been brought
out to smash a mosquito. There is no retaliation possible.
Past is still present. When actions are repeated and destructive habits go
uncorrected over time, they drain the good feelings out of marriage. Promises are made.
Attempts to change fail. The past isn’t left in the past because the problems are as
current as today’s newspaper.
If there is a perceived connection between past hurts and a current problem, then the
past becomes a legitimate example of how the problem is continuing. By objecting to a
discussion of the past, the repeat offender either doesn’t "get it" or is
trying to deny or obscure the connection. Complaining about bringing up the past can be a
ploy for avoiding the fact that a harmful pattern of behavior hasn’t been stopped.
The difference between trust and forgiveness. Some people may feel they can’t
forgive until they can trust again. Trust has to be earned. Trust takes time. It takes
experiencing the consistency of the change. It means truly believing that the offending
act will never happen again.
People don’t have to wait until they fully trust someone in order to forgive them.
They can forgive and if the offending act happens again, then the past surfaces again as a
current problem. There is something new to forgive and the journey of trust begins again
along an even longer path.
For a full restoration of a relationship, offenders have to do two more things in
addition to acknowledging the harm, apologizing and making amends. They have to first make
a commitment not to repeat the offending action and then secondly, live up to the
commitments they have made. The past continues to circulate because a specific and
detailed commitment to change has not been made and/or the offender has failed to live up
to his or her commitment to change.