I read a book called the, “One Minute
Apology.” It had some nice thoughts about how relationships can be restored by
frequent and well meant apologies.
It is true. Not enough people make
apologies for the acts of harm they have caused. It is often the missing factor
in holding up forgiveness. Too many harmful actions haven’t been acknowledged
and the victim is left dissatisfied and unresolved.
Apologies can be cheap. What bothered me about the book was
its title. A “one minute apology” may be woefully inadequate for the type of
offense caused. It seems cheap and easy.
People think they have apologized
with a brief, “I’m sorry!” and expect that it counts. Then they wondered why
the matter persists as a deep hurt that won’t go away. The problem was with
their apology. It wasn’t long or deep enough. It didn’t address what the victim
needed to hear.
I wish the book was called, “The
Twenty Minute Apology,” to convey what it takes to restore a relationship and
open the door to true forgiveness.
I shared this thought with a client.
She responded, “I’d settle for a one-minute apology.” Her husband, in the
middle of his stubborn pride, has consistently refused to acknowledge mistakes.
Even a one minute apology would bring a soothing balm to that relationship and
help her transcend the misery of real life transgressions.
Earning forgiveness. In her book, “How Can I Forgive
You?” psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring outlines what she considers to be six
critical tasks for earning forgiveness.
1. Overcome your mistaken assumptions
that block your efforts to seek forgiveness.
2. Bear witness to the pain you have
caused.
3. Seek to understand your behavior
and reveal the painful truths about yourself to the person you have harmed.
4. Apologize genuinely,
non-defensively, responsibly.
5. Work to earn back trust.
6. Forgive yourself.
The good enough apology. Apologies that minimize guilt, are
defensive or cast blame, inflict more pain. Poor apologies show a lack of
understanding, a lack of respect and a vulnerability that the offense could
happen again. A good apology is a key to restoring the vital connection for
couples - that they can be a safe haven for each other and are free again to be
vulnerable and intimate.
Springs also outlines what she
considers to be the good enough apology.
1. Take personal responsibility for
the harm you have caused.
2. Make your apology personal. Show that the apology is about the
other person and not about yourself.
3. Make your apology specific. Describe in detail the offending
actions and how it harmed the other party and the relationship. This is where
the apology can stretch out.
4. Make you apology deep. Don’t hold back on the wretched
truth. Go deep into yourself and explain your motives, lapses in judgment and
shortcomings.
5. Make your apology heartfelt. Convey a transformation of the heart
through body language, tone of voice, and expressions of genuine remorse. Strip
away any pride and defensiveness.
6. Make your apology clean. You can’t accuse someone and
apologize at the same time. Don’t try to explain your offense based on the
other party’s actions. This is not the time. He or she may or may not
acknowledge their role at another time. This is not the time to assign blame.
An apology is about feelings, not facts.
7. Apologize repeatedly. For serious emotional wounds, one
apology may not be enough. Don’t be sorry. Be sorrowful - and continue to be
sorrowful as long as necessary. Don’t be angry or put time limits on another's
grieving.
I am going to take the liberty of
adding an eighth item to Spring’s list.
8. Make a specific commitment not to
re-offend. The
commitment at the end of an apology is an anchor for rebuilding trust in the
relationship. Take this seriously. Any misstep or repetition of the offending
behavior after a truly meaningful apology could be fatal.
A person making the effort to earn
forgiveness has to have: 1) a humble and non-defensive attitude, 2) be honest
and reveal truth about oneself or one’s actions however painful or embarrassing
it might be, 3) listen to pain and hurt that the offender caused, 4) be patient
to allow the hurt party to work through the process and his or her pace, 5)
make whatever amends are possible, 6) make a strong commitment not to
re-offend, and 7) show constancy of love and concern that becomes habitual and
dependable.
When theses steps are skipped or
taken lightly, the process of reconciliation is much more difficult for the
hurt party.
The miracle of apologies. I have seen the miracle of apologies
unlock a frozen heart and heal unbelievable hurt. Many times the offenders are
highly motivated but lack understanding of what is required.
Sometimes I coach offenders on how to
make a good apology. I model a good apology. I described the elements that they
need to cover in the apology. I encourage them to use their own words but to be
thorough in their apology.
When I am privileged to witness a
heartfelt apology, I feel I am witnessing something sacred. My presence doesn’t
matter. Neither does my coaching. What does matter is how deeply the offender
feels about his or her transgression and how he or she reaches out to their
partner or family member with genuine remorse and contrition.