If you are in a bad marriage, you've got two choices, right? Stay married and be
miserable or get a divorce and be happy. Wrong!
A study conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago
sociologist Linda Waite found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were
typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.
Being unhappy is not forever. Researchers found a third choice - stay married
and with time, unhappy marriages turn happy again. Two out of three unhappily married
spouses who stayed married reported being happily married five years later. Even among the
most unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years
later.
Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase
a sense of mastery. This was true even after taking into account race, age, gender, and
income. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier on average
than those who stayed married.
Almost three-quarters of those who divorced reported themselves as being happy five
years earlier. Their unhappiness and decision to divorce wasnt based on
long-standing marriage problems. This group showed the most dramatic declines in happiness
and well-being compared to those who stayed married.
There was one exception. Twenty one percent of people who divorce because of a
physically violent relationship reported more relief, fewer symptoms of depression and
increases in happiness after divorce. Also couples who stayed together despite high
conflict and domestic violence were less likely to be happy five years later.
Why doesn't divorce typically make adults happier? While eliminating some
stresses and sources of potential harm, divorce may create others as well. The decision to
divorce sets in motion a large number of processes and events over which the individual
has little control. These include the response of ones spouse to divorce; the
reactions of children; potential disappointments and aggravation in custody, child
support, and visitation orders; new financial or health stresses for one or both parents;
and new relationships or marriages.
Why do unhappy marriages get happier? The researchers conducted focus group
interviews with formerly unhappy husbands and wives who had turned their marriages around.
They found that many currently happily married spouses have had extended periods of
marital unhappiness, often for quite serious reasons - alcoholism, infidelity, verbal
abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals.
Their reasons for unhappiness was lumped into three categories.
- The first and most common reason was that marriages become unhappy due to outside
pressures and stress. The relationship wasnt seen as the cause of problems but
suffered as a result.
- The second category was called "men behaving badly." Men were more inclined
to violate basic norms of
family behavior or were more unsupportive of family commitments.
- The third reason was due to chronic conflict, poor communications and emotional
neglect.
Why did their marriages turn around? The focus groups gave three main answers:
commitment, working on marriage problems and personal change.
- Commitment. With commitment, the most common story couples reported to
researchers, marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because
they stubbornly outlasted them. With the passage of time many sources of conflict and
distress eased: financial problems, job reversals, depression, child problems, even
infidelity.
In the focus groups, spouses whose marriages had turned around usually had a low
opinion of the benefits of divorce. They had friends and family members who supported the
importance of staying married.
Because of this intense commitment to marriage, these couples invested great effort in
enduring or overcoming problems in their relationships. They minimized the importance of
difficulties they couldnt resolve and actively worked to downplay the attractiveness
of alternatives.
- Working on marriage problems. Spouses shared stories of actively working to
solve problems, change behavior, or improve communication. When the problem was solved,
the marriage got happier. They improved their marriages by having dates or finding ways to
spending more time together, enlisting the help and advice of their relatives or in-laws,
consulting clergy or secular counselors, or threatening divorce and consulting attorneys.
Wives especially enlisted the help of others to help change their husbands bad
behavior. Men changed in an effort to improve the happiness and well being of their wives
and children.
- Personal change. These marriages didnt seem to change much. Formerly
unhappy spouses told how they found alternative ways to improve their own happiness and
build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage. They reported investing in their
own careers, interests and friendships outside of marriage.
Were the marriages that ended in divorce much worse than those that did not?
There is some evidence for this point of view. Unhappy spouses who divorced reported
more conflict and were about twice as likely to report violence in their marriage than
unhappy spouses who stayed married. However, marital violence occurred in only a minority
of unhappy marriages. Only 21 percent of unhappy spouses who divorced reported
husband-to-wife violence, compared to nine percent of unhappy spouses who stayed married.
Implications of these findings. Marriages are not happy or unhappy - spouses
are. With the exception of marriages with a history of high conflict and domestic
violence, unhappy spouses dont stay unhappy when there is commitment, a willingness
to work at marriage, or each spouse takes charge of his or her own happiness. If you think
divorce is an answer to unhappiness, think again.