A Poor Listener Asks For Help

A man approached me after a presentation about marriage and shared his dilemma with me.

During the presentation I had described how important it was to refrain from giving his own opinion until he had the floor. The further instructions were about how to show understanding by summarizing in a caring way what the speaker is saying, how to draw the speaker out with open-ended questions and to demonstrate attentiveness, interest and empathy with non-verbal language.

He shared with me that he knew his mind was too quick and analytical, that he was problem-solving instead of listening, and his non-verbal communication was terrible. In fact, his best conversations with his wife were over the telephone where she couldn’t see how impatient his non-verbal behavior was. He knew his listening skills were poor, but he seemed unable to control his racing thoughts.

Professionally, his analytical skills have benefitted him immensely but were frustrating his wife and damaging their marriage. This open letter voices my responses to him and to other husbands who are caught up in problem-solving instead of listening.

Racing thoughts. First of all, I reject the premise you can’t control your mind and thought process. We can control our attention - the things we look at and attend to in our environment - or the things we think about. We may not be able to control our emotions in the short term about how we feel, but we can control how we respond when we are emotional.

You just haven’t employed the right tools to control your mind. In being an empathic listener, you have the ability to manage your own emotions - to control your body language and agenda - even if your agenda is not being helpful in solving the other person’s problem.

Research shows that the physical upper limit on what we can process as listeners is about 300 words a minute. I will give you credit for a 300 word a minute mind attending to what might be a 140 words a minute speaker. It must be a special blessing and a gift to process information at that rate but in the context of an intimate relationship, it isn’t such a beautiful gift.

You can put your 300 word a minute mind to work not by focusing on the implications and conclusions of what is being said but by understanding your wife’s thought process, where her thoughts are coming from and reflecting back to her only occasionally on the logical implications of what she is saying.

I believe that people in the courtship process match up intellectually and, though I don’t know her, I feel your wife is your equal. Her smarts and common sense may not be fully appreciated when challenged by your quickness and incessant gift of analysis. Like it or not, your helpfulness probably comes across as judgmental and upsets the dynamics between you.

The challenge. The process I described above – that of attending to your wife’s thoughts, emotions, non-

verbal language and gently mirroring and occasionally asking questions to draw her out while governing you’re own emotional responsiveness is a challenge. But even a 300 word a minute mind can occupy itself without getting bogged down with simultaneous analysis.

If, in your mind, you’re still able to be analytical, you need to keep your conclusions to yourself until you gain the floor in the conversation and only after your listener feels understood and cared about. Even when you present your own opinion appropriately when you have the floor, it needs to be offered in the spirit of meekness, tentativeness and with respect.

Even more important than keeping your opinions to yourself, is the work you need to do on your non-verbal behavior. Empathy is being in tune with her emotions and responding empathically and emotionally yourself. Your non-verbal behavior and tone of voice communicate more powerfully your attention and caring than your "helpful" suggestions.

 

How to be a sounding board. I was trained to be "humble and puzzled" when listening to people professionally. The term was used - "humzle" . This means asking questions even when you think you know the answer and letting people voice the obvious instead of assuming you already know the answer.

Chances are their answer may confirm your hunch but occasionally you can be surprised by what is said. In either case, the person being listened to feels better. He or she has been able to tell his or her own story and feels understood.

Being a good sounding board means helping your wife by asking open-ended questions that stimulate thought and being extremely accurate in showing understanding of your wife’s perspective. Allow her to come to her own conclusions and at her own pace.

Sometimes questions are framed in such a way that only one answer is obvious and can be answered in only one way. Asking leading questions is a way of smuggling in one’s own opinion under the guise of good listening. Also rapid questioning without showing understanding comes across as interrogation.

This is not listening. This is almost as bad as interrupting, taking the floor and voicing a contrary or judgmental opinion. In a way it is worse because the speaker feels violated but not quite sure how it happened.

Anything else. Finally, don’t let your impatience take over the floor before your wife has finished her line of thinking. Ask, "Is there anything else you haven’t mentioned?" to make sure she feels satisfied and understood.