Guidelines For Marital Communications

For the couple: How you feel about each other after you’ve discussed a topic is more important than the problem you were trying to solve. The process should be positive, not an ordeal. It is vitally important to know how to disagree with another’s point of view without being disagreeable.

Listen first to understand. By listening to your partner first, you may prevent saying things based on wrong assumptions. If your partner feels heard, it will lower his or her defensiveness when it is your turn to take the floor. Understanding each other is a prelude to problem-solving and negotiations.

Solutions have to fit both of your needs. Try to learn and understand what problem your partner needs to have solved. Workable solutions have to fit both of your needs.

State positive intent. Affirm love and concern for the relationship and willingness to be constructive and resolve the issue to his or her satisfaction. Acknowledge the validity of your partner’s point of view and indicate your willingness to listen.

One person has the floor at a time. The speaker needs to get all the way through his or her line of thinking before yielding the floor. The speaker is the judge on whether or not to yield the floor. Both speaker and listener should use conversational etiquette to offer or request the floor when the timing is right.

For the speaker: Time and place. Sensitivity to time and location should be take into account. Stress levels, privacy, and a partner’s readiness to engage on the topic should be considered.

Soft start up. Be calm. Ease into the discussion by stating what you agree on. Describe your feelings while consciously using approachable body language and a soft, caring tone of voice. Anger or emphatic language is likely to create defensiveness and anger in return. Describe problems in a way that preserves your partner’s dignity or self-respect.

Minimize inflammatory or exaggerated statements. Avoid verbal expressions that can be disputed or be considered offensive or judgmental. Choose milder expressions that convey the meaning so that the listener isn’t distracted by the way something was said, factual inaccuracies or disrespect.

Use "conditional" language. Start with conditional phrases such as, "It seems to me." By being tentative in your assertions, you acknowledge that there are two sides to the issue and you will be willing to hear your partner’s side at the appropriate time.

Don’t overload. Be aware of your partner’s attention span. Pause periodically and ask for feedback that indicates understanding. Watch for signs of emotion that might interfere with his or her ability to concentrate. Be willing to yield the floor if your partner is unable to concentrate or listen.

Stay on topic. Keep your focus on the problem you are trying to resolve. Be specific. Give "here and now" examples. Secondary issues will invite unneeded complexity to your objective.

Allow time for processing information. Be willing to let go and allow time for your partner to think about what was said and to re-engage on the topic when he or she is ready to respond.

End on a positive note. Close with an expression of love and appreciation for the opportunity to discuss a difficult subject. Describe your hopeful outlook that further discussion will bring you closer together in resolving this issue.

For the listener: Listen to understand. Listening isn’t to gather information so you can attack or win with your rebuttal arguments. Being a good listener doesn’t mean you are showing agreement with the speaker, only that you understand his or her feelings. The time to state your side will come when you gain the floor in the discussion. By really listening, you soften your own heart, learn new ideas, give empathy, communicate interest, show respect, and demonstrate you are open to influence.

Listen with a caring heart. Use appropriate body language, tone of voice, and timely and empathic touch to show you care about the message you are hearing. Don’t use body language or tone of voice to show disbelief, contempt, or disinterest in what is being said.

Stay in the listener role. The listener needs to avoid interruptions or questions that take the speaker off topic and prematurely disrupt the speaker’s flow of thought. Don’t give your own opinion, counter-argument, or ask leading questions to slip in your own opinions. Use emotional control to detach from your side of the issue until you have gained the floor.

Show your understanding. Summarize the understanding you have by paraphrasing the key points being made. Verify your understanding by checking it out with the speaker. If in doubt, ask for a clarification or have the point repeated.

Ignore or soften up inflammatory comments. If confronted with exaggerations, inaccuracies or provocative statements, choose milder language to summarize the intent of the message and avoid reacting to the way it was given.

Interrupt if feeling overloaded. Let the speaker know when you are being emotionally or intellectually overloaded. Summarize your understanding thus far and then suggest that the speaker continue speaking.

Ask open-ended questions and draw the speaker out further. Be curious. Be intuitive. "Read" feelings and ask questions that will help draw the speaker out even more. The speaker is the authority on what he or she meant. Accept his or her explanations at face value. Give your opinions once you have the floor.