Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

How Couples Negotiate Their Differences

June 30, 2008

Do you know my friends, Ted and Alice? They argue all the time. Money. Parenting. Sex. Relatives. Religion. Basic roles and responsibilities. Autonomy. Destructive habits.

Worst of all, they don't get anywhere. It’s like they’re spinning their wheels on a patch of ice. If they could only hit solid ground, then maybe they could get somewhere. It all comes from their strongly held beliefs and values about what is the right way to live. Compromise is impossible.

We learn basic values and views about life in our childhood family. In early marriage there is competition to see whose values we will continue in the new family. One of the challenges of marriage is to accept differences in personality, background and motivation and then to work out common purposes, dreams and ways of doing things.

Disagreements test a couple's ability to communicate and problem-solve - especially when emotions run high. Long-running arguments and conflict may be a sign of poor communication and problem-solving skills. Marriage counseling or a communication class for couples might provide the tools on how better to communicate or problem-solve.

How do you resolve what seems to be deep differences?

Try exploring interests. In their book, "Getting to Yes," Roger Fisher and William Ury emphasize the importance of "exploring interests" as opposed to "defending a position." Exploring interests means finding out the perceptions, motivations and desires of the other party. It is the art of asking good questions and really listening to the answers.

Recognize that your partner's concerns are valid and show you are interested in reaching a solution that meets both your needs. You need to identify and explain your own interests and position so your partner can understand your point of view.

Ted and Alice often jump too quickly into finding solutions without taking time to really understand each other. They could resolve many of their problems through understanding alone.

Whose standards should be used? Fisher and Ury suggest using information found outside the family as guidelines for fair and valid agreements. What is commonly done and considered fair by others? What do the experts say?

Searching for acceptable standards independently of the will and desires of each other can be used to evaluate agreements or which options to consider. Just as Ted should try to be open-minded toward Alice’s interests, he should also be open-minded to the standards she feels are fair.

Try inventing options. This is the creative part of problem-solving. The purpose of inventing several options is to reconcile interests. Behind every opposing position, couples share many more interests than conflicting ones. The challenge is to build on common ground.

Separating the process of inventing options from deciding options is important. Decision-making and commitments come later. This is an open-ended time when each partner should feel the freedom to brainstorm and make suggestions. Don’t narrow the gap, broaden the options.

I’d tell Ted and Alice to remember to spend time thinking through the solution to each other’s problem. An effective solution will not come at the expense of just one partner. An attitude of being willing to satisfy each others’ interests will lead to long-term answers.

Come to an agreement. The rule of thumb is to spend at least half the time negotiating or exploring interests and inventing options before starting the task of coming to an agreement. Respect each other's need to think about what was said. Time is needed to deal with any emotions felt or expressed during the process of exploring interests.

Agreements should be tentative until the framework of the agreement is in place. Nothing important should be left out. Any areas where disagreements still exist should be identified. Couples shouldn’t get bogged down on details before agreement on the main issues. Use of hypothetical or contingent offers narrows the gap to closure.

Ted and Alice must fill in the details and fine tune the agreement before making a final commitment. They can start their plan on a trial basis. They should set aside time to review how it is working and to make any necessary adjustments.

A lasting agreement should be practical, easily understood and easy to follow through. It should have objective standards for judging if it is working. In the end, finding a way to be generous will end negotiations on a good note.

Continuing a working relationship. Roger Fisher and Scott Brown in their book, "Getting Together," feel that a primary goal of negotiation in an ongoing relationship is to finish the negotiations so that each party feels good about the process. How your partner feels about you after you have discussed an issue is more important than a particular outcome.

There are loving, trusting, respectful ways of solving problems together. Ted and Alice in their anxiety to achieve goals, shouldn’t use anger and resentment as tools to get their way. They should try to be soft and gentle as they strive toward working out their differences.