Conflict Resolution Can Be A Positive Experience

Conflict is normal. It is a fact of life. Different personal histories and experiences contribute to conflict. Motives may be different and most likely the methods will be too. Even in close relationships, in business or professional life, goals vary from one person to another.

Conflict is neither positive nor negative. Resolution can move in either direction. It is how conflict is handled that makes it an opportunity instead of a hurtful or divisive experience.

Unfortunately, many people avoid conflict only to see problems go unresolved and or get worse. Others allow emotion, poor listening and lack of courtesy or respect to blow up the process.

Why can conflict be a good thing?

- Conflict indicates genuine concern. It represents the values and assumptions that underlie emotions. Emotions, even raw anger, are a sign that people care.

- Conflict shows engagement. People feel safe enough to bring up their ideas with the goal of working through their differences. For this to occur, the process has to be respectful and courteous.

- Conflict gives participants a chance to clarify their own and other’s emotions and values.

- When problems aren’t confronted, conflict can escalate and easily grow in intensity and magnitude.

- While engaging in conflict resolution, concerns that are large in scope emerge. Better ideas and solutions are generated as a result.

Setting the stage for conflict resolution.

1. Timing is everything. Choose an appropriate time and place when you are prepared and have the energy you need - not when you are overly stressed and overwhelmed.

2. Before starting a problem discussion, state your positive intent to resolve the issue. Put what you are about to say in a context of the total relationship. Express your hope and belief you can overcome obstacles. Give genuine appreciation and recognition for the other party’s attributes and willingness to work on this with you.

3. Listen first to understand, then raise your side of the issue. In order to solve a problem, you have to understand what the other person wants. You need to find a solution that solves his or her problem while solving your own. The solution has to meet both of your needs.

2. Watch your body language and tone of voice. If there is a discrepancy between what you say and your non-verbal communication, your non-verbal messages will be believed first. With body language you have to be aware of your smile, open posture, forward lean of your body, touch when appropriate, eye contact, and distance of space which is optimal at 2 to 4 feet. Tone of voice can create or dispel trust in the content of what is being said.

4. Listen with your heart. Describe the issue from the other person’s point of view. Try to imagine how you would feel if you were in their situation. Reflect back their main points. Listen with a caring attitude. Don’t interrupt or give your side until he or she has finished his or her train of thought, then ask for the floor. Listen to anger without reacting back. Listen for areas of agreement.

5. Ask questions. Draw the speaker out further so you understand the background, assumptions, motives and how he or she came to their position or why this is important to him or her. Attempt to clarify what you don’t understand. Don’t overreact to the way things are said or quibble over details but go with the intent and feeling. Ignore any communication habits that may be distracting.

How a speaker can minimize defensiveness and really be heard. When you are in conflict, the only thing more important than the solution is how the other person feels about you after you’ve finished.

1. Acknowledge concerns. Minimize defensiveness by starting with what you agree on. Show you have taken into account his or her opinion. If you have made mistakes, admit them quickly.

2. Show respect. Don’t aggravate or arouse defensiveness. Avoid provocative words. Disagree without being disagreeable. Anger and criticism will be threatening and inhibit good discussion. Don’t use blame, judgments, labels or declarations of certitude.

3. Keep it simple. Don’t overload the listener.

4. Express how you feel. Use body language and tone of voice to soften up the way you make your case. Start slowly and ease into high conflict topics. Describe the problem with specificity and detail.

5. Ask for a summary of how your concerns have been understood. Clarify any points that may have been misunderstood.

5. Ask for a response to your concerns. Listen carefully to what is said. Give each other time to process the discussion.

Solutions follow understanding.

1. Brainstorm for solutions. Make sure you fully understand each other before trying to work on solutions. Specify alternatives that are acceptable to you. Be open and receptive to ideas. Look for middle ground or a solution that satisfies both of your needs. Acknowledge positive contributions. Reinforce any movement toward an agreement. Alleviate fears.

2. Get to an agreement. Try hypothetical statements as trial balloons. There are many ways of resolving conflict and each can be successful - compromise, accommodation, declaring a moratorium, agreeing to disagree, and collaboration. Give a clear commitment and expect the same from the other party.

3. Set a time to review and evaluate the agreement. Following through and honoring your commitments will lead to further problem-solving and develop a relationship of trust.