Sleeping With The Enemy

What is it like to live a life with someone who doesn’t love you? Who isn’t your friend? Many people are unhappy with their marriages because they have come to believe that the person who is supposed to love and appreciate them really doesn’t care about them.

What goes into this kind of judgment? On what basis does a spouse decide that not enough love exists in the marriage? Here are some of the ways.

- A lack of respect for what you do and who you are.

- A lack of interest in your life or what you think or feel.

- A lack of sharing his or her thoughts or feelings. There is no apparent need for your company, support or interest.

- A steady diet of sarcastic or snide remarks - veiled and not so veiled criticisms that strike at the core of what you believe, like or desire. This isn’t about anger and saying hurtful things and then regretting them later.

- An unwillingness or refusal to help or share the burdens of your life.

- An obvious lack of sympathy when you bring up a problem or are distressed.

- Instead of protection and safety, you feel exposed and fearful of saying or doing certain things that will invite criticism and hurtful comments. You come home to stress rather than to a home that is a sanctuary and a refuge from the problems and indifference of the world.

- Obvious body language and tone of voice that communicates disdain, irritation, and displeasure.

- A consistent devil’s advocate stance or predictable argument about your ideas, choices or plans. Instead of empathic listening and a desire to understand, there seems to be a readiness to find fault or judge what you are doing or saying as "wrong."

This lack of friendliness and what seems to be outright rejection interferes with one’s ability to love back. When the relationship is perceived as too one-sided, unfair or unloving, it is easy to pull back and respond in kind. In order to survive, you find yourself becoming someone you do not want to be - an angry, fault finding, competitive person who has joined the debate to determine who is "right" or "wrong."

You do not like who you are becoming in this relationship. The nasty, curt little interactions are disheartening and your response has become a part of the problem - another thing to debate about. It isn’t what you want. It is just easy to do.

The self-protective attitude shows up in the bedroom. It isn’t easy to love or give of yourself to someone who doesn’t seem to care about you. Sex becomes another argument. Sex becomes the battleground instead of addressing the real problem - the underlying hostility that is driving you apart and drying up feelings of wanting to be close and intimate.

Turning things around. This kind of problem won’t correct itself on its own. There are too many bad habits or destructive interaction patterns to correct.

Professional counseling may break the competitive impasse and challenge you both to act in loving, considerate ways toward one another. It provides guidelines to eliminate the steady conflict and to allow opportunities for loving actions to occur that can make a difference.

Then again, counseling may highlight the reality that your partner is incapable of seeing and responding to you differently. It is a risk that is worth taking while you still have feelings and a willingness to try.

You each need to practice the fundamentals of love, to give service, to look out for another human being, to put another’s needs ahead of their own - and to experience the joy and good feelings that come from giving kindness and compassion to others. It is an experiment with behavior that needs to be sustained in order to be believed. Acting consistently in loving ways can cause feelings to change. We learn to love whom we serve.

One goal of counseling is to develop skills in listening and identifying with another’s pain and distress. Some people need training in damping down their arousal, stopping their quick and defensive reactions, learning that their partner’s opinion has validity and needs to be respected - to learn to listen with the heart instead of a protective shield. There is a need to perceive their spouse as a lonely, hurt, disheartened, and frightened human being whose need for love and attention are not being met. As spouses, both of you need to take responsibility in the matter.

People from needy or dysfunctional family backgrounds may need special assistance to understand and trust love. Part of the healing is to experience unconditional love themselves and to allow love to come to them instead of trying to force it on their terms.

When is divorce warranted? One of those circumstances may be when every effort has been made and failed to correct a problem that is destructive to the mental, emotional and spiritual well-being of the marriage partners or their children. God didn’t intend marriage to hurt and destroy us - rather to build us and develop us as loving human beings. A loving marriage is an important part of fulfillment and happiness.

Get help. Let others use their skills and knowledge to assist you. If you are sleeping with the enemy, when your spouse is not your friend, do something about it while there is still time.