Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

How To Minimize Conflict with Teens

October 18, 2000

Here is a set up for conflict. One of the primary tasks of parents is to teach their children respect for authority. One of the primary tasks of adolescence is to become independent - or in other words reject authority.

Psychologist Carl Pickhardt of Austin, Texas believes "Parental authority must be tested, resisted and ultimately overthrown if the young person is to assume authority for governing his or her own life. Pickhardt divides adolescence into three main periods - early, middle and late. Each has its own special challenges to parental authority.

Those obnoxious early adolescent years. Pickhardt calls this the "chip on the shoulder" stage. Teens in this age have multiple complaints about life and don’t mind in the least expressing them. They react against demands or limits.

They protest, "This is not fair," - a lot. They want justice for everyone else and precious little for themselves. They are often irritable and negative. They are loud internal critics in the family. They dish out healthy doses of complaints about siblings, parents, and everything else that doesn’t suit them just right. They have emotional outbursts.

Pickhardt believes this negativity is a necessary step in order to reject their formerly compliant childhood. By asserting their own will, they seek to establish their own identity and become less dependent on their parents.

Don’t be hooked. Keep your cool. Don’t take back talk personally. Ignore what you can. Keep your interactions positive despite the temptation to respond in kind. If you do respond in kind, your obnoxious critic will have fresh material to use liberally. Set limits on labeling and name calling but otherwise tolerate their mouthy opinions.

Be matter-of-fact in your discipline. It is OK to be perceived as a mean parent and not be especially liked. Teens need someone to blame for their problems. They need to like the new self they are developing instead of getting down on themselves. It is easier for them to see their parents as "bad parents" than to turn their harsh judgments on themselves. The good news is they get over this obnoxious stage. The bad news is it gets worse.

The game of loopholes. The battle now shifts to an all out war for independence. In the middle teen years, teens push the limits of their social freedom. This is when conflict with teens is at its peak. Having pre-established rules and consequences will reduce negative emotions that surround disobedience.

But teens are smart and they are sneaky. Just when you think you’ve solved a problem, you teen has figured out a way around it. Parents find themselves playing catch up by making rules after the fact to cover the new loophole.

How to get through mid-teen conflict. Use your best conflict resolution skills. "Now is later." The way you deal with conflict with your teen will be the style they will adopt when they get into the marital and parental roles someday.

Yelling teaches yelling. If your teen gets angry, and walks off, let him or her go. The issue isn’t going anywhere. Parent need to manage their own frustration and tempers in order to minimize the intensity of the conflict.

Model traits you want them to have - listening, understanding, being empathic, negotiating, showing flexibility, controlling temper and using common courtesy. Don’t stoop to their level of discourse. Ask them instead of telling them. Say "thank you" for what they have done. Catch them being good and give them your appreciation.

The final struggle - late adolescence. This age is characterized by anxiety and lack of readiness for true independence. The older teen may engender conflict in order to ease the pain of leaving home. In the end, they feel it is OK to leave home because it is too much of a hassle to be at home living under parental rules and supervision.

The conflict at this stage also helps parents let go. By the time these budding young adults are ready to leave, their parents are ready to have them go. Some conflict emerges when parents want to "fine tune" their older adolescent to prepare them for the adult world.

Pickhardt says don’t worry about it. The additional polishing young people need will come about through natural consequences of their own actions with roommates, paying bills, managing money and making good decisions regarding impulse control. Trust that they will also learn from the school of "hard knocks."

Getting through the senior year. Avoid conflict. This is not time to criticize but to maximize responsibility. Help them take additional steps toward independence. Take the time to discuss what he or she has learned from misbehavior before applying consequences.

Act as a consultant. Express faith and confidence in your teen’s ability to make decisions, to recognize mistakes and to bounce back from poor choices. Too much worry is a vote of no confidence. Keep the relationship positive so they will see you as a lifeline when things go wrong in their lives.

So, how do you mange conflict with teens? Don’t overreact. Listen to them. Help them take reasonable steps toward independence. Nurture the bond between you and them. Love them and outlast them.