Lack Of Emotional Intimacy Spells Trouble For Marriage

How does it happen that one partner in a marriage can be so surprised by their mate’s honest-to-goodness desire to leave their marriage? Did it really come out of the blue? Weren’t there warning signs?

Poor conflict solvers. For couples with poor communication skills, resolving conflict may be too difficult and only makes matters worse. One or both partners may be too reactive and unable to listen to their partner’s point of view - or unable to empathize with it. Intense conflict seems inevitable and discouraging.

It often happens that one spouse is overly sensitive to confrontation, dislikes anger, and is quick to withdraw from conflict discussions. He or she sees their partner as being "too" intense or angry - too strong, rigid, unreasonable and unrelenting.

Often in this unpleasant mix of pursuit/withdrawal, communications break down and unresolved problems accumulate. Frustration and disrespect mount on both sides.

The angry conflict shows up in their avoidance of sexual relations which accelerates the downward slide of their marriage. This additional problem weighs heavily on one or both partners. The combination of lack of emotional and physical intimacy, if unaddressed, can be lethal for marriage. The groundwork is laid for divorce or vulnerability to an affair.

Pleasers fail to please. The saddest situations are where one partner decides that to get along in the marriage, he or she gives in and goes along with his or her partner’s expectations. The non-assertive partner submerges his or her personality, strong opinions, values, and complaints for the sake of getting along. True feelings aren’t expressed.

Years of not dealing with each other on an equal "give-and-take" basis makes true emotional intimacy impossible. Too many important things aren’t talked about. Feeling dissatisfied, the more vocal and expressive partner asks for a divorce.

The "pleaser" doesn’t understand how his or her commitment and sacrifice can be rejected. The painful awareness their marriage is in jeopardy gives him or her the courage to bring out true feelings. It is paradoxical that under normal conditions he or she didn’t feel "safe" with conflict and differences, while now, under threat of divorce - a definitely "unsafe" situation - honesty is the only thing that will work.

It can happen the other way also. The passive spouse who fails to take corrective action when it is necessary lives with resentment about the one-sidedness of the relationship. Finally the loneliness and the lack of connection is too much and he or she wants out. Surprisingly, his or her spouse welcomes the honesty and wants a relationship based on genuine give-and-take. A lot of water or wasted years have gone under the bridge.

Failure to take responsibility. One partner is lazy and selfish. It is only his or her world that matters. In daily life, he or she doesn’t cooperate, do their part, or respond to their partner’s difficulties or needs. His or her partner’s requests for change aren’t taken seriously.

Sometimes this lack of responsibility extends to money management, work, parenting, health concerns, addictive or compulsive behaviors, temper problems, cooperation in the home or other issues that destroy their spouse’s morale.

Laziness, callous neglect or lack of caring interferes with his or her partner’s desire to be warm, loving and affectionate. A cold indifference or hostility may take hold and soon the "responsible" partner finds him or herself being equally chilly or indifferent back. He or she doesn’t like the person they are becoming to survive.

He or she may even feel conflicted - loving their spouse with a paternal or maternal or with a quasi-sibling love but not connecting with their mate in an equal, respectful way. Their spouse loses their attractiveness or sexual appeal as a true partner. The lack of emotional intimacy leads to indifference or lack of desire in their sexual relationship.

The dilemma. It is a tragic situation where the unhappy spouse requests, demands, demands again, finally gives up and begins to grow apart. He or she goes underground with feelings of disrespect, anger, contempt, and ultimately apathy.

For a while the couple may get by with living separate lives, ignoring the emotional pain and distance between them. They may be caught up in children’s activities, career pursuits, or friends, and sidestep the obvious dissatisfaction between them. Unfortunately, one partner’s patience wears down and he or she entertains divorce as preferable to living in a painful marriage.

What is amazing is that all the requests for change aren’t listened to, believed or taken seriously until the threat of divorce becomes real. By then, promises for changes are not believed.

Even more amazing is that unhappy feelings are lived with for years, never expressed or addressed and then surface when feelings of love and care are gone - or almost gone. One partner is genuinely blind sided by the depth of the problems and the lack of a chance to correct them.

The "shocked" partner is ready to change. The disillusioned partner doesn’t believe it can happen - or isn’t interested. He or she has been too unhappy for too long and doesn’t want to risk getting emotionally involved against their better judgment.

A warning. A lot more marriages could be saved if martial problems were taken seriously sooner. Counseling needs to be tried sooner. Living with problems only makes things worse. It drains motivation from the spouse who wants change. Don’t wait until it is too late.