Love Needs To Be Expressed

Love in marriage takes many forms.

- It is acting with anxious concern about a spouse’s well being and putting his or her happiness ahead of one’s own.

- It takes the form of deep caring, sharing and listening as a couple unites their efforts and their hearts.

- It is expressed in terms of physical affection and loving touch.

- It is demonstrated by faithful loyalty and a commitment to value and cherish their relationship and to protect it from competing priorities and potential love interests.

- It is acceptance and patience, total and complete, of one’s partner’s shortcomings, agency, and differences and a willingness to let go of the need to shape him or her into one’s own image.

- It is taking pleasure in each other’s companionship, doing things together, making memories, and sharing common interests.

- It is joining together in purpose and unity in the work of marriage, - spiritual goals, money management, parenting, family commitments, domestic support, and work commitments.

- It is reaching out with sorrow after wrongdoing - a willingness to apologize, make amends and commit to change while having a forgiving heart and a willingness to reconcile if a partner has given offense.

Is something missing? That is quite a list. Wait, there’s more. If you are doing all that, what else could possibly be needed to make love complete? It is this. Love needs to be expressed.

Why should words matter? Why should cards, flowers, chocolates, jewelry or thoughtful gifts matter? Why are love songs, poetry, or notes of endearment so treasured? Why are expressions of appreciation, gratitude, admiration, recognition of talents and contributions so powerful?

We all have an emotional need to be loved, cherished and to know that who we are and what we do matters - especially to the one to whom we are devoting much love, sacrifice and life’s energy. Our souls cry out, "Appreciate the greatness within me."

Actions count louder than words. Words without actions can be hollow and cruel. But actions accompanied by words and other forms of appreciation are love songs to the soul, a celebration of love and acknowledgment of the primacy of the relationship in one’s own thoughts and affections.

We need to be noticed. We need to know our work is appreciated. We have a deep need to know we count, that we are making a difference, that our special qualities and gifts are admired. Heartfelt comments like, "Thank you," "I’m proud of you," or, "You look great," really do fill a need.

Research findings. Shelly Gable, a psychology professor at UCLA, coded and studied videotaped interactions of 79 couples taking turns discussing positive and negative events in their lives. She studied the impact of characteristic styles of responding to positive and negative events on relationship satisfaction.

Gable found through her follow-up research that mates who cheered their partner’s positive events, promotions and special accomplishments reported greater relationship satisfaction and were less likely to break up than those who were less enthusiastic, passive or destructive in their responses.

Energetic constructive responses might be such expressions as: "You really deserve it. You’ve been working hard. You’re wonderful!" A passive response might be, "That’s nice, dear." A destructive comment might be, "Are you sure you can handle your new responsibilities?"

Compassion versus cheerleading. Partners who were energetically supportive of their mate’s achievements reported the highest levels of relationship satisfaction of any of the couples. Even more striking was the finding that positive responding had a greater impact on relationship satisfaction than compassionate responses to disappointing news.

Gable explains that, "When you are talking about a negative event, the best your partner can do is bring you back to an average state - a not-upset state. Positive events offer a lot more opportunity for growth in a relationship because there is a lot less on the line in terms of stress and self-esteem."

In my experience, I have seen that people can really harm their relationships by not being compassionate when a partner is emotionally distressed and hurting. Being compassionate is vitally important. Thankfully there are few opportunities to demonstrate that level of concern and comfort. Make no mistake, destructive or critical comments take a negative toll.

On the other hand, there are so many more opportunities be a cheerleader and an admirer of a spouse’s good actions. The mindfulness and love expressed in appreciation and compliments add up.

Express your love. I’ve known older couples, who from misguided cultural traditions, are reluctant to share their deepest thoughts of love and appreciation. I’ve known parents who hold back affection and appreciation from children - and from each other. I’ve seen married couples who are starved for expressions of love from spouses they know are devoted but can’t bring themselves to say their love.

I’ve seen people mature and begin to open their mouths and say the "I love you’s" that have always needed to be said. I’ve seen grandparents sharing hugs and endearments with grandchildren they couldn’t share with their own children.

Why is Valentine’s Day so important? Because it is the one day of the year when we are culturally prompted to open our hearts and say or show our love. It is being made easy to do. What is harder is to learn to express love, naturally and spontaneously from the heart and other creative ways, 365 days a year. Valentine’s Day is a good start.