Why Couples Fight About Money

Why are money problems so prevalent in marriage?

The choices about money are choices about competing values. How we spend our money represents what we value in life. If a social scientist could examine our check stubs, he or she could construct an accurate picture of our values.

Money represents stored time or freedom. It represents the number of hours that we have worked. When we spend money, we are trading our stored time for something we value.

Another way we express values is in how we spend our time. If a social scientist had a large enough sample of our daily schedule, he or she could make an accurate guess about our values - not what we say we value, but our actual values. Nevertheless, that is another story.

Money and unity. A couple’s choice about money represents two competing value systems about how money is to be spent. Naturally this is a source of conflict and is subject to negotiations. The unity of a couple depends in part on how unified they are about their goals and values. Money matters are a key barometer in marriage.

If the husband or wife controls the money without the assent of the partner and decides how the money should be spent, he or she is controlling how they as a couple express their values. It doesn’t matter who controls the checkbook. What matters is agreement on how the money is to be spent. Planning a budget is useful, not only for sound financial management, but in creating a dialogue about basic values and goals.

It bothers me a great deal when couples keep their incomes separate. It creates competition and too much independence. It may work well if, at the planning level, there is a true integration of resources despite how they write checks. More likely however, is that by keeping separate accounts they are thinking about "me" and "mine" rather than "we" or "ours."

Common problems. Couples may have individual discretionary spending planned into their overall budget. However, when discretionary spending is unilateral, disproportionate and violates the budget, it becomes a cause of dissension. Couples need to be honest and reliable in living up to their money commitments.

Another point of disagreement may be in gift giving. The expense and the importance of gifts may reflect different values on relationships and celebration. The couple has to negotiate an agreement that reflects a joint decision rather than a unilateral imposition of will.

How people feel about debt also is a telling statement about their morality. Debt is a mortgage on freedom. It is an obligation of future time. One partner may not worry about mounting obligations. By not regarding debt seriously, he or she may be creating intolerable anxiety and worry for their partner who regards debt with more alarm. Couples have to take a unified stance on debt just as they jointly dream and plan for the future.

Here are some typical scenarios involving money conflicts.

- Compulsive spending. These people play havoc on their marriage because of the fundamental disunity created by their decisions. Trust is broken. Mishandling of credit creates hardships that the innocent party has to endure.

- Problem gambling. Heavy gamblers allow their habit to destroy trust and unity. Secrets about money show disloyalty and is a breach of trust. Complete trust about money is about as basic to a relationship as is sexual and emotional loyalty.

- Cohabiting couples. By keeping their money separate, these couples reflect the reality of not having a long-term commitment. When they marry they keep their money separate out of habit. This sets the stage for marital arguments about money issues - more than couples who merge their incomes and spending from the day of their marriage. Setting up a joint budget and unified spending is a hallmark of true unity and commitment.

- Prenuptial agreements. These agreements are fine and have their place preserving assets from the previous marriage for the heirs of that marriage. However, the income and spending generated by the new couple from that point on should be merged just as any other couple. Maybe some accounts can be kept separate by agreement at the start, but the rest of the money decisions need to be handled together.

- Stepfamily arguments. Money arguments come because of differing attitudes about spending resources on non-custodial children or the amount of financial help given to adult children. Some of this money is discretionary and represents a test of loyalty to the present union instead of perceived family obligations.

- Miserly habits. A miser is holding onto more than his or her wallet. Their lack of generosity shows that they are keeping a tight hold of their heart. Life with a tightwad is no fun. Being stingy shows a lack of willingness to spend money on what his or her partner wants or values. It may show outright selfishness - the opposite of love.

Money can be spent to show love - to please and to meet needs. Being willing to put a spouse’s happiness ahead of one’s own is an expression of love. Spending money on giving thoughtful gifts and helping their partner’s dreams come true helps to cement bonds of love. When we learn to sacrifice for one another, we learn to love.