How Parents Develop Self-Esteem In Their Children

How does a child develop confidence to think and to cope with the challenges of life? What makes a child feel valuable, worthy, appreciated and acceptable in their own eyes and the eyes of others?

Self-esteem can be broken down into the four basic questions children ask themselves: Am I loveable? Am I worthwhile? Am I competent? Do I belong? Although I am writing about building self-esteem in daughters, my advice also applies toward sons.

Am I loveable? A daughter learns to value herself when her parents and others close to her value and love her. They fill her early environment with warmth and acceptance, opportunities to learn and freedom to make choices. Parents respond with attention and awareness of her needs. They consistently meet her needs in an atmosphere of love and mutual enjoyment.

As she grows older, she will test that love by her imperfections. This doesn't mean that everything she does is right. Parents also need to show love by teaching, using firmness, discipline, protection and setting limits. These corrections should be done in a context of encouragement, love and gentleness. She feels loved because she is loved.

This foundation of love starts with loving attachment in infancy and continues through a consistent cherishing and commitment to her well-being. That is the bedrock.

She also feels loved when they respect her for her individuality. She is encouraged to learn, develop and appreciate her special abilities. Parents avoid blame, control, labels and harsh judgments. She is encouraged to express herself. They accept her feelings and emotions. Problems are discussed and negotiated.

Am I worthwhile? Through parental beliefs, faith, religious participation and example, she will develop a sense of identity and eventually a sense of purpose in life. Values are taught and she will internalize them as a clear way of judging herself. She will develop high expectations for herself.

There will be times when she may not feel all that good about herself. This is not low self-esteem. The feeling of self-reproach is a reminder to herself when she falls short of her own legitimate expectations and standards. Abraham Lincoln said, "When I do good, I feel good and when I don't do, I don't feel good." When she knows who she is and what she stands for, her conscience will demand honesty, integrity and courage.

Feeling worthwhile isn't just about avoiding moral lapses. Self-esteem is about being anxiously involved in doing something good and worthwhile. Her life takes on meaning when she identifies goals and activities worthy of herself.

Am I competent? She will face challenges, demands and strong expectations in school. These expectations should be in the range of her capability and skill. Success creates success. She needs to feel good

about her day-to-day achievements. She needs to be commended and encouraged for improvement and effort - measured against her own capability.

Parents and teachers need to work together to insure that school is a positive experience. If she needs extra help, parents should give that help or make sure that it happens.

Outside activities also contribute to learning and growth. Special training in hobbies, music, drama, sports, martial arts, dance, art and the other myriad of available choices will help her know she is unique and has special knowledge or gifts. Practice and rehearsal help her with self-discipline and teach her how success comes from goals, persistence and hard work.

Reading unlocks many doors. Too much TV is a time waster.

Parents do well when they learn to take the role of a coach - to stand on the sidelines and shout encouragement, but not take over. Occasionally it may be necessary to call time out and do some coaching. Victories and defeats are shared. Lessons are learned in defeat.

Do I belong? She needs friends. She needs to find friends of similar interests, abilities and values. These friendships are training grounds for social skills to develop through natural give-and-take interactions.

Parents can teach and model good social skills by their interactions with each other and the way they deal with their daughter. She will be especially aware of how conflict is resolved when people who are close to one another have important differences - especially with her. If she is treated with courtesy, respect, calmness, good listening, and a willingness to hear her side and negotiate, she will use these same skills with her friends.

Friends should be welcome in the home. Parents need to observe and coach her on relationships and peer conflict. If she has a negative experience, parents can help her put it into perspective. Friends can be fickle. Parents need to stay alert to feelings of hurt and rejection.

When she is in her teens, the pressures on appearance and beauty will be a challenge for her. Clothes will be important. She needs to accept her body and feel good about her femininity. It is a challenging and vulnerable time as sexual issues are added to the mix of self-esteem.

High self-esteem is a by-product of living life well, doing well and belonging. A daughter with high self-esteem experiences peace and security. She has optimism about her ability to cope, a sense of personal control and a belief in the goodness of the world. She will take a creative, problem-solving approach to meeting the challenges of life instead of being governed by her emotional distress.

A young woman who has a good opinion of herself has more confidence and persistence in working toward worthwhile goals. She will have her share of happiness.