Women: Sex Is Important

How do men feel about sex? Duh! For all you ever want to know on the subject, just purview the women’s magazines at your local bookstore. It is a staple feature. I suppose the pornography magazines have something to say about it too but not of sex of the healthy variety.

I have had the added benefit of trying to help many couples resolve their sexual difficulties in marriage. Some common male complaints emerge about sexual problems in their marriages.

1. Sexual fulfillment is an important emotional need in marriage. Many men list sexual fulfillment as one of their top three emotional needs - quite accurately predicted by their spouses.

An interesting difference between men and women is that when a man’s top three or four needs are met in the relationship, he is generally content and doesn’t get too disturbed when other needs not being met. Women, on the other hand, like most of their eleven needs to be met to be content in their marriage. Not often do they list sexual fulfillment as being one of their top three needs. Emotional intimacy and affection often come first.

The conventional wisdom on love-making is that men give emotional intimacy and other loving acts in marriage in order to get sex, while women give sex in order to get emotional intimacy and relational connection. For husbands, speaking generally, being loved sexually means being loved. If there is a pattern of a lack of willingness to engage sexually, this magnifies into major hurt and rejection.

Sex can’t be subtracted unilaterally from marriage and still have a happy husband. It is especially galling for a husband to believe that his wife fraudulently misled him during courtship and early marriage to believe she enjoyed sex. To him, it now seems like a ploy and as soon as he was safely committed, she flipped an off switch off on her sexual desire. His memory of the sensual connection of their early love-making and her current distaste or apathy causes anger and resentment.

A husband laments, "Sex was supposed to be a part of the marriage bargain, wasn’t it? After repeating vows (to have and to hold), everything changes. ‘To have’ becomes ‘to have when I feel like it and to ‘hold off’ when I feel like it.’"

When there are relationship problems such as marital fighting, anger, mis-communication, etc., the willingness to be physically intimate usually suffers. Men don’t like that. It adds incentive to both partners to resolve difficulties so their love-making connection doesn’t suffer. Men don’t like it when their wives withhold sex as manipulative weapon in their marriage.

2. Men like sex to be sensual, earthy, visual, spontaneous, frequent, and with abandonment. And don’t forget variety. That is a tall order and doesn’t always fit with a female’s desire, which runs counter to her relational framework for love-making or the reality of her life.

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WOMEN, SEX IS IMPORTANT, JUNE 26, 2006 PAGE 2

Men would like honest communication and negotiation about the quality and quantity of their sexual relationship instead of their wife arbitrarily controlling how sex happens - or doesn’t happen between them. A man wrote, "I'd like to think that marriage is a two way street where both people give in, not just the men."

Another one states, "Anytime I tried discussing sex with my wife, the response was, ‘All you are interested in is sex,’ and that was the end of discussion. I don't recall that my wife ever responded much to words, hugs, tender touches, cards, gifts, expressions of endearment, romantic surprises or countless courtesies. I usually just wound up with a stronger feeling of rejection."

Husbands like it if a wife takes the initiative, acts seductive and flirtatious, and obviously show she is enjoying the experience. Satisfying a male need in a perfunctory and regimented manner, without feeling or enjoyment, leaves a husband feeling cold and unloved. Not all sex can be great sex but some sex should be, some of the time.

3. Not all sexual touch is meant as sexual pressure or initiative. Male fascination with the female anatomy is part of the biological mystery and design of mating. A pat on the butt is a sign of affection and a kinesthetic reminder of an intimate connection. This is something that husbands and wives can do to each other that others can’t. It is a message. It is symbolic of a couples’ love and closeness, whether it is in public or private.

Wives can learn to accept this kind of touch without pulling away, rejection or anger. They can also give this kind of intimate touch - which husbands would love. Sexual touch is not all about sexual pressure, groping or pestering. Certainly men can learn how and when to do this appropriately.

Sexual touch can be affectionate. A man writes, "I haven't groped for a long time. When I touch my wife, anywhere, it is with concern about how she may feel about it, whether it's an erogenous area or other." Part of touch in marriage can be playful, light-hearted and bonding. Husbands like it.

Wives, ask your husbands to read this article. Then ask, "What in here is true for you?"