How To Stop Thinking Like A Victim

Our society is fast becoming a collection of victims. Even "angry white males" have joined women, people of color, the disabled, the poor, co-dependents, gays and lesbians, physicians, government employees, teachers, farmers, truck drivers, veterans, Mothers Against Drunk Drivers, Adult Children of Alcoholics and every other conceivable interest group, religious and ethnic minority under the sun.

Strategies for dealing with problems. How can victims act in a responsible way toward their problems without blaming or making excuses for themselves? How we look at who caused the problem and who is responsible for the solution makes a difference in the approach we take. Each way has its own strength, arena of effectiveness and dangers.

1. Seeing yourself as responsible for the problem and responsible for the solution. This perspective benefits those who have resources and use them. They value independence. They believe they can pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. They value helpers who can link them to resources, consultants, instructors, educators, motivational materials, exhortation and self-help. They expect to work hard and strive, and they expect their peers to do the same.

The danger - They blame themselves for any defeat or failure. Justifying seeking help from others is hard because they see themselves as responsible for their own solution. They can be too hard on themselves and too lonely.

2. Seeing others as responsible for the problem and yourself responsible for the solution. This perspective benefits those who see themselves as deprived and have to fight against structural or cultural barriers of inequality. They are legitimate minorities who seek to redress an abuse of power. Their basic strategy is to collaborate with one another. They assert and empower themselves to mobilize for action, relying on subordinates to broaden their base of influence.

They value interdependence, pressure, persuasion and organized group effort. They appreciate advocates and catalysts. When they become activists, they benefit the most. They can take credit for bringing about a solution though someone else caused the problem.

The danger - They are susceptible to adopting a permanent negative, paranoid or hostile view of life and then becoming alienated from the rest of society.

3. Seeing yourself as the source of the problem and others as responsible for the solution. This perspective benefits those who feel guilty and need to depend on a group for basic structure and support. They feel helpless to overcome their personal difficulty and find help by submitting to external authority figures. Authority figures stress the importance of group affiliation as a source of power and safety.

A feeling of affiliation and belonging to a group of people with similar problems gives them strength and discipline to deal with their own problem. They value discipline in the group. They appreciate caring helpers who help them understand and cope with problems.

The danger - They reconstruct one's life around obsessions, a dependency on group membership and support and becoming fanatical about the group cause. They are vulnerable to an abuse of power within one's own group.

4. Not seeing yourself as the source of the problem and seeing others as the responsible for the solution. This perspective benefits those who do not feel directly responsible for the problem, yet feel incapacitated, mystified or helpless to provide a solution to the problem. They are not hard on themselves. Their problem temporarily exempts them from their regular responsibilities.

They need experts to help them define the problem and prescribe the correct treatment. The expert helps him or her identify alternative solutions and encourages problem-solving. The expert is a dependable source of ongoing help.

The danger - People become dependent on the expert and lose self-reliance and do not develop a sense of power or control over their lives including exercising long term, problem- solving abilities.

What is a victim mentality? What is the difference between belonging to an organized group that enhances our identity and power versus adopting a victim mentality that hinders our well-being?

According to psychologist Rebecca Curtis of Adelphi University in Garden City, New York, when we use our minority status to define ourselves as powerless, we also see others outside of our group as "bad" and controlling. We make unfavorable comparisons between our "virtuous and deprived" status and others who have "undeserved" advantages and rewards.

These so-called advantages and abuse of power may really exist. What is destructive is a mentality of hopelessness and low expectations - giving up or resigning in the face of perceived unfairness. People who think like victims choose to suffer. They have a suffering mentality that may include anger, bitterness, depression, hurt, worry, helplessness and hopelessness.

This kind of thinking promotes low expectations, low performance and poor self reward. Often victims have a curious combination of low self-esteem and complacency. Victim thinking leads to self-fulfilling prophecies. People adopt self-handicapping attitudes, screw up in other areas of their life and give their inherent power to others.

True victims need caring, belonging, soothing and understanding. They need support and a period of nourishment until they can mobilize their own energies, accept the loss or deprivation and move forward in a positive way. Sometimes a sense of anger and injustice is necessary to create a needed change. Eventually, victims need to cultivate hope and begin taking control of their lives.