Raising Perfectly Good Children Imperfectly

Children have a need to grow and separate from parents. They need to have their emerging skills validated by parents who attend to them and are excited by the little steps they take. They are unique human beings with a unique destiny.

Some parents expect too much. They expect perfection. They expect it of themselves and they

expect it from their children. In their minds, there is a rigid rule book to follow to find success in life. In their anxiety to help their children, they impose pressures to accomplish and to please others.

The carefree childhood world of unhurried play, fantasy, wonder, and learning is replaced by pressure, worry and fear. Children are not free to grow at their own rate or to form their own identity through exploration and trial and error.

Here are some ways to help a child see that life is a process of becoming rather than a standard to uphold.

Unconditional love: Provide unconditional love for them as individuals. Let them know you accept them, whether they succeed or fail, whether they accomplish or don't accomplish. Don't withhold love as a punishment. Children need to feel that parents are proud of them for how they are just now, not what they will become.

Reasonable expectations: Have reasonable expectations based on what children are capable of performing at their respective ages. Take into account individual interests and personalities of children. Each child has his or her own pace and timetable for growth.

Encourage decision-making by offering limited choices that match their maturity. Provide them with parental guidance when they must make significant decisions. Reasonable limits on their behavior provide an overall framework in which children exercise increasing control and influence over their lives.

It's OK to make mistakes: Enjoy and celebrate their small triumphs. Help them see you appreciate that life is filled with small, steady steps toward goals.

Let them know it is acceptable to fail. Be there for children after a big failure or letdown. Help them understand that failing is part of being human. Allow them to make mistakes and to see that the way we learn is through mistakes.

The importance of play: Encourage your children to balance work and play. Give them opportunities for lots of play. Play is work for children and the basis for their learning.

Let your children know it is OK to relax and do nothing. Childhood is a time to learn to please oneself. Help them find time to play, relax, and have fun with friends their age rather than spend time with adults in adult activities.

Let children have some daily and flexible time built in for choosing activities that match their interests. There are so many "opportunities" for training and skill development that time for old-fashioned fun is being squeezed out. Encourage them in their spontaneous and spur-of-the-moment play and fantasy.

Adult problems are overwhelming: Protect them from the harsh pressures of the adult world without overprotecting them. Shield them from sharp, harsh or disrespectful marital disputes. Such things as being an emotional confidant for a parent, being a surrogate parent for siblings, or taking on adult roles rob kids of their childhood.

Provide them with a peaceful and pleasant home atmosphere. Don't pass on needless stress and adult worries. There is a place for children being informed about and helping with financial pressures.

Allow them to talk about their own stress and worry: Plan special times together as a family without television and listen to what they have to say. Set aside for family time, playing games and family fun.

Talking about our lives. Children benefit if parents share their past struggles and imperfections, and acknowledge current issues as well. Our lives need explanation. If children understand how we got to where we are now, they will appreciate that life is a process of becoming instead of a finished product.

Children need to hear such things as, "This was what it was like for me growing up," "These were the losses I felt," "These things disappointed me," "These are the mistakes I made," "This is what I've overcome," "I had these embarrassing moments, and "These are the things I am working on now."

Our openness and acceptance about our own imperfections help children accept themselves as they are, too.

Parental example is the key: Hard-driving, super-competitive perfectionists will communicate their attitudes to children whether they want to or not. In fact, it is hard to raise "imperfect" children and be a perfectionist. Parents struggling with perfectionism ought to examine their own lives and apply some of these same principles to themselves first.

For further information on this subject, read "Work Addiction" by Bryan E. Robinson, 1989, Health Communications Inc., Deerfield Beach, Florida.