Reader Talks About Sexual Problems, Pornography

Dear Dr. Farmer,

I have been married for well over 30 years to a faithful, loyal wife who has washed my clothes, cooked my meals and put up with many of the usual faults that farmers have. I am no saint but afflicted with all the foibles that a farmer can have.

That being said, I want to write you on behalf of all the other guys who just like me are just trying to "suck it up and deal with it."

Early marriage. When we got married, my wife and I enjoyed the physical union probably twice a week on average. I thought we were compatible in that area but I noticed early on that if I didn’t initiate it, our love-making didn’t happen.

As time went on, there came children. I ‘m sure it’s pretty common to most if not all marriages that the love life suffers because of the demands of young ones on the mother’s energy. That is understandable.

I tried to help with the diapers, etc. We tried a baby sitter once a week and also a preschool day care to ease the burden. The pattern of waning desire on her part continued.

It came to a sort of head one night when I approached her in bed. I thought she was being receptive and she purposely inflicted great pain on me. I got up and left the bed. After that I stopped going to bed at the same time she did. I would go in after two hours later when I knew she was asleep so I wouldn’t be tempted to approach her.

As time went by, her desire dropped from twice a week to once or twice a month if I was lucky. The rest of the time, I had to relieve my sexual tension or buildup I had to masturbate with images.

One-sided affection. In our whole marriage, she never touched me, displayed any spontaneous affection for me or initiated love-making. Whether she meant to or not, the unspoken message was something like this. "I don’t need this. You do. I can take it or leave it. It is not that important to me. I neither find you attractive or desirable."

It says to me, "I really don’t love you but I’ll cook for you and wash your clothes anyway."

Why do they call it love-making if it’s not one of the highest, most pleasurable and bonding experiences that God gifted to humankind? Why would a woman treat an experience like that as if it were totally irrelevant? We had good and mutually orgasmic experiences in our early marriage with skillful foreplay and mutual respect.

I’ve seen personal ads where a woman wants a male companion but also makes it clear she doesn’t want sex. Do some or all women become repulsed by it as time goes on?

No more sex. About three years ago, I sat on the bed and said to her, "I have no desire for you anymore. We’re not going to have sex again." You don’t know how good it felt to say that after all those years of feeling that way myself. Her reaction? I think she was glad. I went and slept in the spare bedroom after that.

I don’t believe in divorce because the Bible condemns it but I understand why men divorce their wives and marry a younger woman. I don’t hate my wife now. I am trying to create a civil platonic relationship but is seems a hollow shell of what it ought to be and what God meant it to be. But she seems content with it.

Pornography isn’t satisfying. I believe pornography is wrong, but I use it twice a week to take care of my sexual needs. I feel guilt for using it. That is a resolution that doesn’t bring happiness.

I hope my experiences can help others, somehow.

First of all, sexual release and pornography use are a hollow shell of what ought to be. It won’t bring you happiness. It is not a substitute for a real relationship and never can be.

Secondly, you need to confront your wife with how you feel about what the lack of intimacy has meant to you and your marriage. If you and she could talk about your true feelings and have compassion on each other, you might be able to work out middle ground. She needs to care about your need for physical intimacy and offer you an active part of giving you sexual pleasure.

You need to understand and meet her most important emotional needs. She needs to feel you care for her in ways she wants you to do. If you are accurate in your assessment, sexual desire is not high on her list - but other things are. Find out what they are and work hard to please her.

Finally, you have an emotional wound from the way she inflicted pain during intimacy. Your hurt and resentment about that incident keeps you from trusting her and making yourself vulnerable to her. She needs to hear your pain, feel sorry, and apologize for the harm she caused. You need to do the same for any breach of trust you may have caused her.

You may need the help of a counselor to do this. Don’t give up on having a real marriage.