Impending Death, There Is A Gift Of Life

Let's walk for a few minutes on sacred ground. The recent columns I wrote on cancer prompted a woman my age and her husband to come to see me. She had recently been diagnosed with an incurable disease that gave her a dramatically shortened life expectancy and an irreversible course of deteriorating abilities.

I could empathize to a degree. I had just been through prostate cancer surgery and had a flirtation with the kind of news she had received. But there was a world of difference. Her days were numbered and she knew it. I had been restored to the prospect of a long and indefinite life.

Many tears had already been shed. A kaleidoscope of emotions had been experienced. She had descended into the depths of her soul for courage, for faith, for meaning. The awfulness and the finality of it all had sunk in. She did not shrink from the soul shattering reality. She had investigated the disease and experimental treatments. How quickly she had become knowledgeable about the disease!

She received an overwhelming outpouring of love and support from family and friends. Her family relationships took on new meaning and comfort. We talked about friends, grandchildren, children and marriage. Her world had been secure, fulfilling and predictably happy. She had been at peace with herself and the world.

What if this were you? What if it were me? What if you or I were given a similar gift?

This is the gift she came to talk about. Life is precious. People are precious. Time is precious. Each minute, each day, each week, each month counts. She wanted to know what to expect, how to cope, what to think about the future - her future, her immediate future, whatever future she had.

Goals are the key. What is the key to a quality life when death is foreseeable? It is purpose. It is wonderfully concentrated energy, focus and sustained effort toward meaningful goals. It is ridding the self of trivia, the unimportant, the foolish endeavors of a world that desperately disguises us from our own mortality.

The gift is liberating. The chaff is easily discernible from the wheat and readily discarded. There is no time for chaff.

The gift is defining. The anguished soul gets to know oneself intimately. Who am I? What do I really want? What contribution to life can I make with my remaining days? What is undone that needs to be done? What haven't I done that I always wanted to do? What has been missing from my life? The "why's" become important: Why this? Why that?

The gift brings life. She was dramatically alive - vitally and vibrantly alive. She was fully and painfully aware of the awesomeness of her power - the power to choose, to act and make happen what she wanted to have happen. Within certain limits.

Within certain limits. That is life too. You have to play with the cards you are dealt. There will be future limitations - declining health and abilities need to be noted and necessary adjustments made.

Lost possibilities have to be mourned, discarded and replaced with realistic ones. But what can still be done is truly magnificent - to make the best of what is possible. It is what people can do with what they've got left that is important. The world becomes smaller but still very interesting and rewarding.

It is a time to simplify. To concentrate on fewer goals - to give up worthy endeavors in favor of a few that are decided priorities. Personal striving has to match what is possible. Like it or not, energy and vigor will begin to fade. That time will come.

Compensate for losses. The next step is to use whatever it takes to compensate for the changes in lifestyle. Canes, walkers, a wheel chair, hearing aids, computers, dictaphones, nursing care may all serve their purpose. They are resources. Resources matter if they are used to help a person attain their personal objectives. Modes of treatment can be viewed as resources also.

Coping is a matter of being smart enough to outwit the body and still get out of life what you want. Depression sets in when people lose track of their goals or find the pathway to their goals blocked. Hope comes with having attainable goals and overcoming any obstacles in their path.

No comparisons. One pitfall is to compare your life with healthy people who do not have physical limitations or uncertain futures. Or to compare oneself with the way you used to be. Life becomes uniquely personal. It is your goals, your limitation, your way of compensating and your life. What other people do doesn't matter. To dwell on comparisons is to invite unhappiness into your life.

To use the precious gift - the gift of time - people have to be highly selective in their personal goals. They have to simplify, accept limitations and compensate for them. They can be happy. Believe it.

This special woman shared some sacred moments with me and reminded me of a gift we all have. We all are mortal. Our days are numbered too. Time is precious. Now only if we could live like it.