Our Thoughts Make Us Angry

Mr. Hot Undercollar: (herein referred to as Mr. U.): I am really ticked off. My wife makes me so angry.

Dr. Val Psychologist: (the name sounds phony but so does Dr. Farmer): I don’t think so. You are the one that makes yourself angry.

Mr. U: That’s not right. My wife deliberately pushed my buttons when she said what she said.

Dr. P: Even if she did say something provocative, you still have a choice on how you react.

Mr. U: How do you mean?

Dr. P: It's how you interpret what she said and the meaning you give it that triggers your anger. For example, what if you believed that the purpose of life is to suffer and the more you suffer, the better person you become. Then when something bad happens, you could say to yourself, "Thank you, Lord, for giving me one more opportunity to prove how patient and long-suffering I am. I was hoping you hadn’t forgotten about me."

Mr. U: Whoa. That's ridiculous. Nobody thinks like that. Give me another example.

Dr. P: Suppose you heard that your best friend called you a fool behind your back. Would that make you angry?

Mr. U: You bet it would.

Dr. P: Then suppose you confronted him about it and it turned out that he had said "jewel" instead of "fool", would that make a difference?

Mr. U: Of course. Instead of an insult, it would be a compliment.

Dr. P: So where did your anger go? Are you still mad at him? No. In fact, you're probably feeling pretty good about your friend. By one slight change of a word, the meaning of what happened changed completely.

Mr. U: That is easy. But supposing he did call me a fool. How am I supposed to feel? After all, my friend is being two-faced and disloyal.

Dr. P: Wait a minute. How do you know that? You are assuming your know. So instead of stewing about it or shutting him off, you go ask him about his remark.

Your friend explains to you that what he meant was that you were such a trusting person that an unscrupulous person had taken advantage of you. He admires you for not striking back and seeking revenge.

He goes on to say that if it had been him being cheated, he would have blown up and caused a scene. He thinks that your willingness to play the fool showed remarkable restraint under the circumstances. Now how to you feel?

Mr. U: I’d wonder if he’d been talking about the right person. Seriously, I suppose I couldn’t be too mad at that. But what if he had meant ‘fool’ as an insult? Then what, Dr. P? Am I supposed to not get angry?

Dr. P: Maybe that remark says more about your friend or the quality of the friendship than it does about you. You could feel sad that your friend doesn’t respect you as much as you thought. Or you could say to yourself, "I didn’t know he was that judgmental."

Or you could go to your friend and ask him why he said what he did. It is best to listen first before making assumptions. It might give him the opportunity to acknowledge what he did and to apologize. It might help him be more aware that you care about the relationship and want to clear the air as soon as possible.

Mr. U: So what you are saying is that how I think or believe about something determines how I feel.

Dr. P: Exactly. Thoughts and assumptions about fairness and justice often trigger angry feelings. An angry person is often feeling offended or misjudged. If they changed their expectations about life always being fair or perfect, they wouldn’t be so upset.

Mr. U: Well, aren't there some things worth getting angry about? Are we supposed to sit back and do nothing about injustice and the wrongs we see?

Dr. P: True, there are valid reasons for anger. Some things do need to be changed. Anger can be viewed as a protest or an emotional outcry for change. Often though, anger isn’t perceived that way and it triggers responses that are counterproductive.

Anger can be the underlying motivation to create change though how and when it is expressed makes a huge difference. It is best to think about your anger and explain it to someone rather than trying to solve a problem while you are angry.

Most hotheads react reflexively with anger on assumptions they don't bother to question. Or they react to a lot of things, whether they are important or not. They feel like victims, but they are the victims of their own thinking. They also rigidly assume that the ground rules for living are well understood and that everyone sees things the same way they do.

Let me ask you this. If you had a week to live and your friend called you a fool, would you make a big deal over it?

Mr. U: I don’t suppose so.

This is so frustrating. You don’t know my wife. She really does things that make me angry.

Dr. P: I am sure she does things. But you are wrong. You are the one that makes yourself angry. It is your thoughts and beliefs that determine how you feel.