Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
Search:  
Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

How Arguing Couples Can Change

September 26, 2005

Do you feel stuck in a marriage with some habits and patterns that are destructive? Is there too much anger? Withdrawal? Disappointment? Too many arguments? How can you turn things around?

Take a break. Couples generally have worked hard to try to solve their problems on their own. Despite their best efforts, their attempts at resolving difficulties haven't succeeded. They really need a third party to help them work through some needed changes.

For couples not yet in counseling, make an appointment and put your problems on hold until you get to the session. Anxiety to resolve problems before things get worse actually makes them worse as destructive patterns are repeated and repeated.

For couples with a history of not being able to resolve conflict, I advise them not to work on their problems at home. I want to be present for their discussions on their "hot button" issues. I don't want the couple to get in further arguments between sessions and become even more discouraged. Of course the goal of therapy is to be able to gain the skills necessary to solve problems on their own, but not until I have confidence in their ability to communicate effectively.

The minimum atmosphere I want is one of keeping the peace - being pleasant or neutral. They are encouraged to make small talk or visit about matters that have no bearing on their marital problems.

By giving hope that their serious problems will eventually be addressed in counseling, one, if not both partners, welcomes a break from the pressure of needing to do something immediately to break the destructive impasse.

One partner in particular may have been feeling pressure from the other to change. To him or her, a vacation from the problem and from their partner's anxious and unrelenting concern is pleasant relief.

If people have hope their real concerns will be addressed in a safe setting, they can usually put their "hot" topics to the back burner where they can simmer until they are ready to be addressed in counseling.

Breaking the impasse. By this point both partners have usually withdrawn from actively meeting their partner's needs or are engaged in a power struggle. The next assignment is a little more difficult and is mainly for couples who are not too angry with each other. Angry couples may need to wait for some of their concerns to be addressed in counseling before they can generate enough goodwill to do what I am about to suggest.

When important needs are not being met, one common tactic is to be unpleasant as a means of forcing or coercing change from their partner. Husbands and wives react to each other with anger and/or deny each other pleasure and intimacy in hopes their partner will respond with love and warmth.

It doesn't work. Unfortunately, each partner sees the other as withholding love. They are waiting for the "quid pro quo," an attitude of "I will do this if you do that." The only problem is that the initial positive action doesn't happen and nobody is doing anything constructive.

Trying at the same time. Miracles can happen when marriage partners see each other trying at the same time. The trick is to get the ball rolling in the first place. Each partner is challenged to act on their own to break up the tit-for-tat mentality that has taken over their marriage.

Besides making small talk and avoiding conflict, I want each partner to independently go out of their way to care for their partner despite whether their own needs are being met or not.

One partner, on his or her own, can initiate changes without their mate's awareness or cooperation. It can and does work. By making changes, it won't be easy for their spouse to relate to him or her in the same hostile or rejecting way.

The goodwill created by loving acts makes it easier for a mate to entertain some changes the partner making the changes would like. When defenses are lowered, it is easier for the spouse to be perceived as a friend and ally instead of an enemy. When important needs are being met, couples begin to identify each other as a source of pleasure once again.

The problem with this approach is that it can’t be sustained for very long without getting a reciprocal benefit. There is a limit on how much you can give without having the scales balanced. It is worth a try. It is definitely better than staying stuck in separate camps waiting for the other to make the first move.

Be good to each other. What are some things couples can do to get back that loving feeling?

Ask. Act on what you learn. Is it a back rub? Is it a walk? Pick out a few things that are easy for you to do. Do them daily and with no strings attached. Plan a few surprises to show your love in unexpected ways. Lighten up the atmosphere. Have some fun together.

The miracle is, as you turn your attention and energy to meeting your partner's needs, the love you send out will touch and heal some of your own hurts. By themselves, loving acts may not be enough to solve all the problems - communication skills still have to be learned - but they certainly set the stage for resolving conflict.