You Have Not Walked That Road Yourself

This letter was written by Vange Anderson, a grieving mother from Solway, Minnesota, to help a friend understand how to relate to other grieving parents.

Dear Linda,

There are very few parents who will be comforted when you tell them you truly understand, simply because they won't believe you. You haven't lost a child of you own. And, even if you can understand to a great degree, it will be frustrating for most of them to hear.

All of the grieving parents I've talked to - yes, all of them - are more comforted by those who extend their sympathy and admit, "I can't imagine." Because, to tell you the truth, grieving parents don't think you can and won’t believe you. My hope is to give you some insight and general understanding about what grieving parents deal with.

There are some things you don't fully understand because you have not walked that road yourself. I’ve written a series of questions that illustrate the kinds of experiences I have had as a grieving mother.

Memory. When did that person pass away? Approximately what time of day was it? What do you do to get through that day every year? When was that person's birthday? What do you do to get through that day?

Since that person's death, has even one day gone by when you didn't think of them? Where were you and what were you doing when you first heard the news? What were the first words out of your mouth? What were the last words you had with your precious one?

Have you ever had to wipe tears away during a movie or show because something suddenly reminded you of that person? Have you "been hit from your blind side" that is, suddenly been overcome with grief again - and you didn't see it coming? When and how did that happen to you? How do you deal with the pain that is always just below the surface?

Health. What sorts of pain did you feel in your body? Have they recurred? Did you have any breathing problems? Any problems with memory? Weight loss-gain? Trouble focusing? Sleeping problems? Numbness?

Holidays and family events. Which holiday is the most difficult for you to get through? Have you changed any holiday traditions? Are there any days that are difficult for you to sit through a church service? Why do you think that is?

How do you grieve your loss and still try to make others feel your love for them? What do you do to honor your loved one during holidays, the anniversaries of their birth and death, new events such as weddings and the birth of babies?

How are your family gatherings different now? What sort of mixed feelings do you have? How do you deal with that?

Spouse. How did your relationship with your spouse change? How did he handle the grief? How was that different from the way you handled it? What problems did that cause? Name one time when your needs collided - when his needs were different from yours, and both could not be met. How did you cope with that?

How well were you able to communicate with each other about your loss? Did that cause hurt? How did you get past that? Are you past that? Do you ever wish he could react in a different way when you bring it up? Do you need to go to someone other than your spouse, to receive understanding for what you're dealing with?

Longing. What do you do when you see someone who resembles your precious one? How do you feel inside? Do you ever find yourself looking at people - the backs of their heads, their profiles - and think they "sort of" resemble your dear one and it's a blessing because that's almost like seeing them alive again?

Have you ever missed the person so much that your eyes and ears actually ached with the desire to see and hear him/her again? Have you ever prayed with all your heart to dream about them so you could at least "see" them that way or "feel" their presence?

Have you ever found yourself in a store with tears welling up in your eyes because you see something your loved one would have enjoyed? Do you ever buy yourself a gift because it's something they would have picked up for you?

Do you ever say your precious one's name out loud when no one else is around, just to hear the sound of it? How often do you ask the Lord to tell your loved one that you love them?

Memorials. Have you ever bought special frames to put their pictures in to remind you that they're in God's loving care? Have you done something special for their grave? What about where they died?

Did you do anything special with something that belonged to him/her? Have you volunteered anywhere because you know they would be proud of you for doing that, or because it was something they either struggled with or were gifted with?

Have you ever bought something for a needy person that you would have loved buying for your loved one?

Dear Linda, do you understand? Really? I am sharing this with you because you truly care.

Some things that DID help:

1. Silent hugs. For me they became like prayers of the Holy Spirit whom we are told prays for us with feelings so deep they can't even be expressed.

2. Prayer. One special lady told me she would pray for me every day for a year. I called out to God to open those prayer lines more than once. I KNOW there were many others who also prayed .

3. The usual things, like bringing over pizza, toilet paper, paper plates, meals that can go in the freezer, cookies, bars, etc.

4. One neighbor came over to get our towels to wash without saying anything to me. Later on I happened to see him mowing our lawn...again, without asking... just doing It.

5. One family... parents, children and their spouses, arranged to make an entire dinner for us a month or two after the funeral. They provided everything. It was wonderful.

6. Women showed up to clean my house, do the dishes, again without asking.

7. One scrapbooking lady came and asked if she could make a scrapbook about my daughter for the funeral. I gave her permission and she did a wonderful job. I think she just went home to sleep.

8. Letters of memories about my daughter pictures other people had of her.

9. Cards of support on important anniversaries... of her death, of her birth, etc.

10. Making new traditions that honor her memory. One of the last things we did together was to purchase fireworks in Fargo. We shoot fireworks off on those anniversaries.

11. Reading Christian books about life after death... the promises of God listening to Christian music...

12. Getting together for dinner once a month with two other couples who have lost children.

13. Talking with other women who have lost children. Women and men grieve in different ways, and I think women have more of a need to talk about it than men do. It's difficult for our husbands to say more than a few words about it.