Listening Can Turn Around A Marriage

Bill and Edna haven't gotten along well for the 30 years of their marriage. There is too much conflict and tension in their relationship. The kids are gone. Just the two of them are left, scrapping away to their hearts' content.

With such a history, you would think they enjoy this ritual combat, but they don't. They know the in-and-outs of making accusations, pointing the finger at the other, criticizing, bringing up past hurts and wrongs, and reacting defensively to any problem that is brought up.

Both are good at changing an uncomfortable topic to one more to their liking. The battleground shifts constantly during an argument. Both try to get the last word.

Nothing is ever accomplished to resolve the difficult issues between them. One is explosive and the other nurses a grudge.

These are decent human beings who get along with others and are capable of giving and receiving love. They are close to their children and have a commitment to the family unit. Yet neither is happy. Both are frustrated. Both feel helpless.

If you could advise them one thing to do to turn their marriage around, what would it be? What one skill is powerful enough to correct a 30-year habit of poor communication and conflict? Give up?

Before a spouse is willing or even able to thoughtfully consider what their partner is trying to say or to be effective in searching for a mutual solution, he or she is wants to be understood. Openness in negotiations or compromise comes after first establishing that the partner understands one's feelings and point of view. The 30-year battle I've described has been a 30-year battle for understanding.

The skill to gain understanding is reflective listening. Reflective listening is a key skill in receiving communication. I have seen remarkably dramatic and utterly astounding changes in the way couples relate when they grasp and practice this skill. If my enthusiasm seems extravagant and exaggerated, it is because I have seen the results and have been amazed at the power of this technique.

What is reflective listening and how does it work?

Reflective listening is paraphrasing back to the sender a brief summary of what has been said. It is capturing the main points being made and checking out its accuracy with the speaker. It is done is a caring manner with accepting body language and a soft tone of voice. It shows a genuine effort to understand - not just using listening as a tool to sharpen one’s own rebuttal or argument.

Examples would be "What I hear you saying is...," or "You feel…," or "I understand the point you're making is…."

Reflective listening is an exercise of giving full undivided attention and is, by necessity, hard work. In giving this kind of attention, we demonstrate care and respect for our partner. To listen well, the listener needs to set aside their need to give their side of the issue.

It is difficult to concentrate on really listening and simultaneously be preoccupied with one’s own agenda, opinions, counter-arguments and assumptions about the speaker’s thoughts and motives. Reflective listening is a discipline that slows down our mind enough to really "hear" what is being said.

Benefits to the speaker. When a speaker has his or her thoughts reflected back, it gives an opportunity for correcting the listener’s understanding and to clarify or correct anything that might have been misstated. Once the speaker feels understood, he or she will relax and be more open to listening to their partner. However if the speaker is interrupted or confronted with an opinion or argument, he or she may be frustrated and redouble their efforts to be understood. Communication breaks down at this point.

Ideally, the speaker needs to complete his or her line of thinking before relinquishing the floor in the conversation. Reflective listening and drawing the speaker out by asking open ended questions will develop deeper understanding.

Marriage partners need to learn conversational etiquette in terms of polite and respectful ways to requesting or offering the floor in conversations. "May I respond?" "Is there anything else you want to know before I respond?" "I’d like to hear what you think of what I just said."

This is a slower and more methodical process but the yield in accuracy and deeper understanding is well worth it. The more delicate and difficult the topic, the more useful reflective listening becomes in the communication process.

The real power of reflective listening and empathy in listening is in the opportunity to connect at an emotional level. Listening by itself is an act of caring. On top of that, it communicates respect and equality in the relationship. It gives the listener a chance to know and explore the logic and emotion of the speaker in a way that is non-judgmental. A listener can "hear" the intent of the heart.

This is not easy. It takes great emotional and intellectual control enough to detach from one’s thoughts and feelings and truly focus on another’s contrary and sometimes threatening opinions.

But it is also rewarding. A light has switched on. It is possible to really understand each other. Bill and Edna can get along after all. Their relationship has hope. Reflective listening opens the door to effective problem-solving and negotiating differences. They start communicating about subjects that have been roadblocks for years.