Criticism In Marriage Is Delicate Proposition

In several studies comparing happy and distressed couples, one consistent finding was that happy couples criticized less often.

Couples who are angry and hostile are quick to criticize each other. These criticisms are either meant or said in a destructive or hurtful way. Tone of voice, body language, and an assaultive choice of words rip away at the fabric of trust and security in marriage.

Unfortunately, these judgmental comments are no cushioned by words of concern, friendship or interest. The contrast between frequent critical and infrequent supportive comments create a negative tone in the relationship.

Negative consequences. What happens? Heavy doses of criticism shut down dialogue, arouse defenses, and drain a relationship of its goodwill. Both partners want to be loved and accepted; not held up to their spouse’s measuring rod and found inadequate.

Marriage is a relationship where partners expect their mate to be a friend, a person with whom they can share intimate thoughts safely. It is hard to want to be close to someone who is seldom pleased or satisfied with your behavior or personality.

Too much criticism leads to low levels of self-esteem and mutual support. It is a barrier to physical and emotional intimacy. It can be perceived as control or coercion. Criticizing a spouse should be infrequent. The ratio of positive to negative comments in a marriage should be overwhelmingly positive.

The first and best thing a fighting couple can do is stop the barrage of negative and disrespectful judgments and find loving, sensitive ways to share concerns.

Guidelines on how to give criticism.

- If in doubt, don’t. Some faults can be lived with. It isn’t fair to expect perfection. Agree to disagree. Accept some exasperation and frustration as normal. Don’t let your desire to make over a few annoying habits destroy the positive and solid connection you have between you.

- Don’t be too quick. If you are unclear about a problem, try to understand it before jumping in and blundering over tender feelings. Hurtful comments made in haste are remembered. Seek to understand by listening to his or her side of the issue before making any judgments.

- Don’t avoid issues. Some grievances can’t be ignored. There are facts that have to be faced. Reacting with hurt, brooding, and chilly silence can be just as destructive as making cruel comments in the heat of the moment.

Hurt festers in privacy. Sacrifice your pride and clear up misunderstandings before they become magnified by silence and inattention. In some ways withdrawal is more hurtful to a relationship than angry criticism.

- Don’t surprise your mate or catch him or her off guard. Give notice that you want a serious discussion. Timing is crucial. There is a right time, place and mood when your partner will be most receptive. Negotiate an acceptable time.

- Don’t criticize your spouse in public. Protect your spouse from any embarrassment. Wait until you are in private to bring up any complaints. Public expressions of sarcasm, contempt or other forms of disrespect are humiliating.

- State your positive intent. Reassure your spouse that the discussion you want is an effort to improve your relationship and you care about each other. Don’t launch into negative comments without first setting the stage that you are trying to be constructive in your efforts. Put the distressing topic into an overall context of positive interactions.

- Non-verbal language speaks loudly. Be seated. Use a calm, normal tone of voice. If you get angry, you may create anger or withdrawal before you have a chance to make your points. Your body language and tone of voice will communicate your goodwill and be believed more that your words will be.

- Keep the mood positive. Avoid blame. Stick to behavior and issues. Don’t make global assessments of your partner’s personality or character. Don’t threaten or ridicule. Be tactful and diplomatic in the words you choose. How your partner feels about you after you have given a criticism is more important than whatever problem you are trying to correct.

- Limit your criticism to a single topic or goal. Focus on a specific problem. Limit your description of the problem to three or four sentences. Stay within your partner’s attention span. Be aware of any emotional reaction that may interfere with their ability to absorb what you are saying.

- Give your partner time to think about it. Some people may not think well on their feet. When he or she is ready, listen carefully to the response. Listening is a key. Both of you want to feel understood and cared about. Be prepared to be open to his or her influence and corrective thoughts as you hope your spouse will be to your concerns.

- Keep the discussion open-ended. Once there is a good understanding of the problem, both of you can make suggestions and a course of action that will address the situation. Come to an agreement and a commitment about a specific solution. The solution has to fit both of your needs.

- Follow the criticism with an expression of appreciation, love and support. End on a good note. By having the process end constructively, you build trust so that you can raise other concerns later to fine tune your marriage.