Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Readers Take Offence, React To Column on Farm Marriages

April 27, 2005

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Here are some of the negative replies I received to the column I wrote on "eight ways a woman can make a farmer miserable." You can see the original article, the positive responses, and Dr. Farmer's comments by clicking on sample columns at this website.

Reply: I certainly hope that you are planning equal time for us women... We have needs for our husbands to fulfill. I would have a tough time believing that all that women are expected to do is "make" their husbands happy! Are you trying to dump the world back in Victorian times, or what? And, seeing that women and men are quite different... what makes "HIM" happy, is not necessarily what makes "HER" happy.

Reply: I can't believe what I just read. Your column on "Eight ways women make farmers miserable" was one of the most biased, ignorant columns I have ever read. If you weren't being satirical I would surely question your credentials and capabilities as a psychologist.

I live in a rural community and I work and have contact with several farm wives on a daily basis. Contrary to your viewpoint, I find these women some of the hardest working, most dependable, and loyal people I have ever been associated with. You totally missed the boat on this one.

Taking a few isolated cases and assigning theses traits to the entire female agricultural population is a misguided attempt on your part to place the blame of failed marriages solely on the wife. Perhaps you need to look around a little bit more at some of the traits of the male population. You think they can't be moody, live like slobs, go out with the boys and drink too much, and spend too much on equipment to keep up with the neighbors?

Marriage, I've always been taught, is a two way street. It takes compromise. By putting the blame solely on the wives you do a great injustice to the majority of them. I recommend you give serious thought to printing an apology to all the farm wives you've just offended. Your credibility with me is currently at zero.

Reply: I have always enjoyed reading your column and looked forward to each week. But, I have to say, this article really has taken away all the respect you have from me. I live with an alcoholic husband who fits every article you have ever written about alcohol, abuse and how women are stuck in a marriage in rural life.

I can't thank you enough for making my life more miserable. He now has this article to hang over my head, even though I do not represent any of the 8 areas you addressed. You picked a time of year where farmers are looking for a bone to pick, because they are chomping to get in the field, and their time is very idle. Well, you gave it to them with bells and whistles."

Reply: I have read your column for quite some time. I am usually impressed with your advice and thoughts. The article about eight ways women make farmers miserable really pushed my buttons in a negative way. I have been a farmer’s wife for over 40 years. I will be the first to admit that I was not cut out to be a farmer’s wife although I grew up n a farm myself.

I married a "dyed in the wool" farmer who seemed to be married to the farm. I had in-laws who lived around the corner from us. Not good. Why did you write this article when you have never been a farmer’s wife? I am just curious. You usually have common sense articles which I have even clipped out and one time used in my Sunday School class.

Reply: I read your article this past week about farm wives and their behavior towards their farming husbands and in-laws. The tone didn't sound like the ususal, understanding, level-headed Val Farmer that I know. It sounded very "whiny" "bitchy" and "complaining"...unless you were merely interpreting what sounded like very immature and selfish farm wives entering your practice.

As a farmwife, I took offense. I tried to see both sides of the story, and understand the feeling of complete vulnerability that a woman could come in and destroy financially the family farm by claiming her half upon divorce - I've seen it done before.

I cannot deny my feelings of resentment at times toward my in-laws regarding some of their actions. You're telling me I am acting like a baby. I respect my in-laws and try to show respect towards them at all times.

Reply: My dear farming husband handed me your article titled, 'Eight ways women make farmers miserable' just last night. I am surprised an educated rural psychologist like yourself would write and actually publish such a one-sided article. Surely the wives of the farming husbands you have counseled are all brought down to the level you hold us women at and have been put in their place.

I feel for them since I happen to know that we don't enter into marriage with a farmer with the attitude you described in your article. Things happen that break our spirit and bring us down. I hope the wives you have counseled have survived it.

Reply: Val Farmer -You blew it. Your article really rubbed me the wrong way. Why don't you write an article on 8 ways men can make a woman miserable?

What cloud are you on? You think we women are married to farmers are just vicious, lazy, or what? For starters, I would like to say that I do just as much as my husband and no, he does not come home after a long day's work and have to cook, clean and take care of the kids.

I'm a stay-at-home mother of little girls and yes, I stay at home all day, every day, but I sure don't put my fee up and watch soaps all day. Just because I don't go out in the "real world" and earn a paycheck sure doesn't mean I'm not benefitting the farm. If I did go out and work, who would raise our kids and who would be there on the drop of a dime to help out and haul meals to the men?

I agree in some aspect that the farm comes first but I'm sorry, when it comes to something imortant at peak times of the season, I expect my husband to be there. the farm is not going to fall apart if you gone for a couple of hours or even a day.

If you're saying the farm comes first at all costs, thenwhere and in what place odes the family - wife and children - rate? If you forget you have a wife and chidlren at home, alone, all the time, I'm sorry, but there will come a time when she will say, "Enough is enough, if the farm is so important,have it and be happy all alone."

I am not trying to be sassy or rude but nobody, expecially you farming husbands, takes the time to understand the woman's point of view about the farm.

Not all of us farming wives go to town every chance we get, nor run around with our divorced and single friends, drinking and getting home late. If I did that, who would be there to watch the children?

I would like to add that I pitch in whenever needed at seeding and harvest and I do it with three gilrs at my side all the time, and 9 times out of 10, I don't get appreciation for it.

"Pooh, Pooh" on his dreams you said - give me a break! What about the dreams I walked away from so I could follow my husband's dreams?Who asked me about my dreams in this whole thing? Nobody!

You need to write an article about the women's perspective about living with farming husbands and then you'd have a real story.

Reply: At first glance I thought this article was meant to be humorous but then i read the article. This was the most biased, offenseive, unprofessional and unethical article I have ever had the misfortune to read.

The difficulties of farm marraiges is a valid topic providing the article is objective and provides points to consider for both of the parties. The article you published does not even try to do this. It in no way could be consdered objective, and is definitely not going to be well received by those I'm assuming it was meant to help. It's derogatory and condescending.

Are we readers to assume that the man plays absolutely no part in any of the 8 destructive actions women take in marriage? In what way could you possibly have believed that woman-bashing would be beneficial to marraiges in difficulty.