How Farm Wives Became Miserable

A reader took offence at the tone of the article on how farm women can make their husbands miserable and offered this equally cutting advice on how farm women become miserable. \tWe don't enter into marriage with a farmer with the attitude you described in your article. Things happen that break our spirit and bring us down. I felt compelled to respond with “eight reasons why farming wives become miserable.” For the husband: \t1. Don't try to cut the strings and become more independent now that you're married. When you and your new wife have a dilemma, always say, “Let's ask mother" what to do. You are so used to her mothering you that you have never even given a thought to making your own decisions. \t2. Do not communicate with your wife. Your family has no communication skills and that's the way it is, so it's up to the wife to adapt to the silence, stubbornness and lack of communication. \t3. Be powerless to your mother's interfering. You were taught to always respect your elders, and they know that. They can be as disrespectful to you as they wish, but they are your elders and you had better not stand up to them and defend your right to live your life according to your beliefs. \t4. Treat your wife as if she is lucky to be with you. You saved her from the city life which you despise and she owes you for that. Put down the city she is from and tell her how much you hate going there. \t5. Try to break any promises you made when you got engaged. They were just to seal the deal of the engagement. After marriage, all bets are off. \t6. You're not into details, so don't bother fully explaining anything. Let your wife try to figure out what you're talking about with the little bit of information you have given her. When she starts talking to you, walk away from her as she's talking. Make her feel that what she has to say is unimportant. \t7. Don't give your wife any credit for the work she does. It doesn't bring home the bread so it is of no importance. Cleaning the house isn't work, it's fun and the farming husband should never have to help with any of it. \t8. In the bedroom, let your wife service you. There is no give and take, only take. She owes you for the hard work you do to support your family, so just lay back, enjoy and don't worry about if she's satisfied or not. Then, when she 'withholds sex' be clueless as to why. \tThe reader then added some zingers on how a controlling mother-in-law does her part in adding to the misery. \t1. Keep track of every vehicle that comes and goes. Don't walk, RUN to the window when you hear a vehicle coming or going. Look at their calendar so you know their every plan. If all else fails, question the MORE HOW FARM WIVES BECOME MISERABLE, MAY 2, 2005\tPAGE 2 grandkids next time you're alone with them. \t2. Make sure the daughter-in-law knows you are the matriarch of the family and in control. Everything needs to be done exactly the way you did it. Put her in her place, which is below you. Make her feel inadequate as a housekeeper. \t3. Give your opinion on everything. Tell your son and daughter-in-law where they should doctor, when to go to church, how often they can go to town and how to handle their money. Be stubborn as a mule. Lecture them all you want but do as you please. You are the queen of double standards. \t4. Criticize your son and daughter-in-law for every little thing. Don't ever praise them. They don't deserve praise. However, lecture them on how they should be praising their kids. Never mind that you are criticizing your own son. \t5. Take your grandkid’s side on everything. Show them how sticky sweet you are and they will look up to you. Then, when one of them is mad at mom or dad and complains to you, take their side and put down your son and daughter-in-law to them. Turning the kids against their parents is a good thing since it brings them closer to you. \t6. Turn other family members against your son and daughter-in-law too. Complain to them about how the farm is being run. \t7. When your son and daughter-in-law try to talk to you about respecting their privacy, respecting their relationship with their kids, etc., go on the defensive... How dare they be disrespectful to their elders! Don't think for one minute that you may have been disrespectful to them. If your son dares to speak up, take this new independence as evidence the wife turning the husband against you. \tHere are some other points I am paraphrasing from another reader on other problems a mother-in-law can cause. \t8. Don’t worry a bit about the daughter-in-law's family and her obligations to them. Be demanding of their time and lay guilt trips on them for missing any family event. \t9. Run the show on any family events with your ideas, your “secret recipes.” Don’t include her in the planning. When the rest of the family comes to visit, make her feel she is the "last on the totem pole.” \t10. Intentionally keep her out of the farm books. Keep her in "outsider" status. Protect your turf.