Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val | |||
Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships | |||
When Nice Isn't So NiceMarch 7, 2005 Midwesterners are known for their niceness. They help each other out. They help a stranger in distress. They exchange pleasantries and are oh, so friendly. Niceness is a key value in the way people judge each other. By "nice," it is generally means being polite, doing the socially correct thing, having a friendly greeting, and, above all, not putting people on the spot. Let's distinguish nice from kind. People are genuinely authentic, non-judgmental, honest, open, and charitable. These special individuals are at peace with themselves and their goodness is genuine. True kindness and love are not about self but about caring for others. Niceness is defensive and self-serving. Elouise Bell, in her book, Only When I Laugh, has a scathing commentary on the evils of niceness. She notes the statement of C.S. Lewis that courage is the virtue that protects all other virtues. In a similar vein, she believes niceness can corrupt all other virtues. "Niceness edits the truth, dilutes loyalty, makes a caricature of patriotism. It hobbles justice, short-circuits honor, and counterfeits mercy, compassion, and love." Niceness forgives a multitude of sins: Nice people are lazy. Nice people think they have fulfilled their major obligation and are excused from effort, thinking and accountability. Being nice is good enough. It masquerades as true charity and love and allows people be rationalize their complacency. It is a fall back position for laziness. Nice people like to look good. Nice people delude themselves into thinking they are good when all they have done is put on a good show. Nice people don’t take risks. They don’t want to make mistakes - and if they do - they cover them up to keep their image. They compare themselves with others to gauge how they feel about themselves. Niceness promotes a perfectionistic strategy for gaining respect. Nice people don't confront or embarrass each other. There is a tacit agreement, "I won't confront you if you don't confront me. That way each of us then can be irresponsible and not expect any grief." Nobody is pushed too hard. Honest feedback is avoided. Nice people are insincere. They are nice as pie to your face and gossip behind your back. They use covert action, manipulation and duplicity to get their way. They say one thing, nicely, of course, and do another. They don’t settle disputes. They let them fester into resentments. Nice people lack courage. They don't speak the truth because it is too risky. They don't resist injustice. They go along with the status quo. Nice people avert their eyes from evil and pretend everything is alright. Nice people don't make waves. They believe in "minding your own business." Nice is safe. They minimize cruel and abusive behavior in front of them while railing against strangers, outsiders and government, sometimes with amazing venom. Niceness allows evil and injustice to gain a foothold and gradually seep into families and communities. Nice people keep their anger inside and get depressed. They have come to believe that quietness personifies goodness, intelligence and sensitivity. Nice is lonely. They lose their authenticity by denying anxiety, fear, loneliness, grief, rejection, and their personal needs. It is a setup for despair and depression. They are vulnerable to addictive and compulsive behaviors to numb their pain and disquieting thoughts. Nice people keep their impulses hidden. They keep their problems to themselves. Sometimes these unacknowledged and untreated impulses spill over into socially deviant acts. "I don't understand how he could do it? He was such a nice man." Nice people aren't curious. They don't want to know too much that will disturb their sweet, comfortable "let's pretend" world. Unpleasant subjects are kept hidden. Truth is painful. Nice people run from pain. Nice people bridle their feelings and opinions. Nice people take pains to tone down their accomplishments and enthusiasm so as to not make others feel insecure. Neither do they show their grief, disappointment or anger for fear of making others feel uncomfortable. They keep their problems and opinions to themselves. Nice people have difficulty with intimacy. Niceness carried to an extreme promotes lack of security and trust in relationships. Too little effort goes into dialogue as a way of resolving differences. Nice people wear a mask. They are what others want them to be. In their desire to be nice, they don't discover their own soul and authentic voice. They act nicer and nicer on the outside, until they eventually lose their true self beneath layers of conformity, busyness and niceness. They don't value their own time or work on their own agenda, nor are they very good to themselves. Garrison Keeler comments in his book, Lake Wobegon Days, about niceness: "You taught me to be nice, so that I am so full of niceness, I have no sense of right or wrong, no outrage, no passion. ‘If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all,' you said, so I am quiet, which most people think is politeness. I call it repression." Nice, in short, isn't so nice. |
|||