What Is Grief Like?

How do we cope when reality collides with our dreams, hopes and expectations about life? How do we respond when losses are catastrophic, such as death, divorce, financial reversals, disability or a loss of a family farm?

With devastating losses like these, we experience confusion, fear, anger, blame, frustration, depression, emotional numbness, involuntary thoughts, anxiety, guilt and a world stripped of meaning and security. We feel overwhelmed. Our fundamental assumptions about the world are suddenly shattered.

Here are some things that might be helpful in understanding grief and loss.

No timetable for grief. After a major loss people can experience prolonged distress for years after the event. Most friends and relatives grossly underestimate the length of the grieving process and stop being tolerant of the grieving person.

There is no orderly sequence of emotions, no right way to grieve, no timetable for recovery. Shakespeare wrote, "Everyone can master a grief - except he that hath it." The human response to grief is too variable to be generalized -or judged.

The loss is the injury, the insult, the blow. Sadness or depression are natural reactions for that which was lost. The object is not to "get over" grief, but to experience it as a part of the healing process.

Loss shatters beliefs and security. With sudden death, especially through accident or homicide, anger and the perception of the meaninglessness of the event can increase over time. Loss inflicted by someone else's maliciousness, negligence or betrayal can lock in emotions of anger, rage and a preoccupation with justice.

Unfortunately, in cases like these, time does not necessarily heal. It takes a willingness to forgive, to accept what has happened, and to reaffirm trust and faith to trigger the healing process.

In addition, the bereaved, having experienced the suddenness of the loss, feel vulnerable to having bad things happen to themselves and their loved ones. Their faith in the future has been broken. Having experienced the fleeting nature of life, they become reluctant to commit themselves to long-term goals and objectives.

Laughter interspersed with tears. Positive affect is often experienced within days and weeks of the loss. There are small moments of pleasure that crop up amid life's undesirable events.

The grieving person shouldn't feel guilty for these feelings. Seeing a few sparks of joy in the ashes of grief tells us that life can be good again. Memories from the past also can be pleasurable, positive and helpful in the recovery process.

Support from others is crucial. Bereaved people appreciate the presence and care of others, being included in social activities, having good listeners, and having contact with others who have been through similar experiences. They don't appreciate a lot of advice or discussions of faith and perspective unless they seek that type of dialogue.

The grieving person needs to talk about what happened in his or her life. Telling it and telling it again takes away some of the pain. The friend who is patient enough to listen becomes a witness to sacred but searing truths uttered by one who needs to share deep wounds.

"Give sorrow words the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break." - Shakespeare

"Well it has been said that there is no grief like the grief that does not speak." - Longfellow

Hope is the beginning of recovery. The recovery process starts by responding to duty, by a willingness to take on commitments. With time, the "I have to’s" turn into the "I want to’s." A purposeless life is a life of fatigue. Once the bereaved person settles on an outlet of his or her energy, innate powers come to life and expand to meet the task at hand.

Hope is the medicine that heals. Hope is the expectation of a desirable future event and the positive assessment that one has the ability to achieve that goal.

New dreams and goals, new challenges begin to fill the aching void. "When old dreams die, now ones take their place. God pity the one dream person." - Anonymous

During grief, some things go haywire. Grief and sexual desire usually don’t mix. Allowances for the grieving process should lead to gentler expectations on oneself or one's partner.

During times of sorrow and loss, judgment is impaired. The business of living should flow without the distraction of having to make big decisions, painful decisions. Decisions made in a hurry and under duress often will be wrong.

Grief helps us grow. What good can come from such pain and suffering?

It is during those dark times of grief that we come to know how violent the outcry of our heart can be, how fragile and beautiful life is, how strong we are, and how deeply we care.

We have a renewed kinship with others. We find that tragedy has brought our hearts together. After the trial of our faith, we affirm again that life is good and worthwhile. After the season of grief has spent its fury, we grudgingly admit to having grown in unexpected ways, ways we would have never chosen. The imprint of the loss shapes our destiny. We can never be the same as we were.

It is a tribute to the human spirit that the grieving person chooses to love again after having felt the pain of losing that which was so dearly loved. Sooner or later, it will be a challenge we'll all face.