Six Steps To A Great Marriage

Too many people settle for a mediocre marriage. Here are six steps I feel can turn a mediocre marriage into a great marriage.

1. Dare to love. Choose to love. Love creates love. Put your partner's well-being and happiness ahead of your own. Learn what your partner wants and try to meet those needs and desires - even when it is inconvenient and requires sacrifice. Better yet, anticipate needs and meet them before your partner makes requests.

Love is expressed in action - daily acts of kindness, consideration, generosity and helpfulness. Share the work of the home and family equitably. Make life less difficult for one another.

Be the first to love when love seems lacking. Make your love dependable and independent as possible from your partner's mood and behavior.

After you’ve been apart, greet you loved one with delight and enthusiasm. Let your partner know with your eyes, smile and a loving embrace that you are happy to be back in his or her presence. As you part, acknowledge your importance and love for each other.

Reaffirm your love and connection as a couple. Develop your own intimate rituals and language of love. Don’t lose touch with each other in the midst of busy lives and demands. Your lives need to be integrated and coordinated.

2. Be loyal. There are important needs for sexual and emotional intimacy that can only be satisfied in the marriage and nowhere else. You have a private world of goals, personal struggles, secret thoughts, memories and joys that belong only to the two of you. Freely share yourself. Care about the emotional details in your partner’s life. Show interest and concern.

Keep confidential your intimate conversations. Protect your marriage by respecting boundaries of physical and emotional intimacy that should never be crossed. Don’t disparage your partner in private nor in public.

3. Accept your loved one just as he or she is. Accept your partner's feelings, differences and idiosyncrasies. Some ways of thinking or aspects of personality will never change. Nobody is perfect. Enjoy his or her positive qualities and overlook or put up with the negative.

As much as humanly possible, eliminate harshness, criticism, anger, disrespectful judgments, self-destructive or annoying habits, verbal attacks, put-downs and misguided expectations. Your loved one needs to know that he or she has a true friend and is safe with you. Your home should be a haven, not a battleground.

Express appreciation and admiration for those wonderful qualities that attracted you in the first place or you continue to discover as you live your lives together.

4. Be good communicators and problem-solvers. Courteous, polite, respectful conversation will underscore your love. Keep in mind that your partner has a unique and valid perspective on life. His or her feelings or opinions have value. They need to be understood and respected. Be open to influence. Don’t be so "right" that your loved one has to fight to be heard.

Be a good listener. Learn to put your own thoughts and strong emotions on the back burner while you truly attempt to understand your partner. Giving undivided attention is a gift of love. Listen when your partner is angry or upset. Don’t run away or avoid problems.

Be flexible and creative in your attempts to solve problems together. Negotiate, compromise, give in or propose solutions that benefit and satisfy both of you. Build trust by honoring your agreements. Live with integrity.

Share your resources. Plan your finances and honor your budgetary agreements. Money matters will test your unselfishness and your ability to negotiate and unify around common goals.

A couple who can solve problems together can correct their relationship and keep it on course. They dare to be open, honest and vulnerable.

5. Seek spiritual growth and purpose. As a couple you need a common foundation of meaning, purpose and goals. Your shared spiritual understandings, commitments, and values provide the basis for cooperation and mutual effort.

The future means something. The way you live life means something. Striving for common goals and sharing common values will unify you as a couple.

Having common goals doesn't mean being the same or doing the same thing. Each of you is unique. You need to identify and support your partner's personal goals, careers, chosen roles, and ambitions. Helping your partner accomplish personal goals is an act of love.

Having children and raising a family deepens and extends your love. Sacrifice brings joy in your posterity and a love that extends across generations. Honor each other’s family commitments and obligations. When all else fades away, your family relationships will be the constant fountain of nourishment.

6. Make life fun. Make memories. Be playful. Take special vacations. Develop mutual interests.

Relax and unwind together. Enjoy humor together. Be easy to be around. Spend time together and take pleasure in each other's companionship.

Celebrate your love by honoring birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and special occasions. Plan thoughtful, romantic surprises in which you show your loved one that you cherish him or her. Be affectionate. Give plenty of hugs, kisses, loving touches and caresses and tender expressions of endearment.

Let your daily acts of unselfish love for your partner be the context for your sexual relationships. Within the limits of your partner's satisfaction, enjoy the abandonment and pleasure of a dynamic sexual relationship. Make your sexual interactions a lifelong source of mutual enjoyment and love.