Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Build Self-Esteem By Giving Acceptance

July 12, 2004

Acceptance, trust and respect for the inherent value of each other forms the bedrock of relationships. When it is not forthcoming in important relationships, it can be devastating. Here are some examples where acceptance is withheld and how it affects people.

- A daughter-in-law is rejected by her mother-in-law from the time of her engagement through a marriage of many years. She does her best to bridge the gap and to please her but she is never accepted. Nothing she does makes a difference.

- A young woman on the verge of adulthood yearns for her father's approval. She feels the only way he will approve of her is by doing things his way. She feels caught between trying to please him and needing to stay away from him because of her need to be her own person. She can't fit his mold.

- A teen-age boy, new to a city, is challenged and teased by his classmates at school. He feels inadequate and unjustly treated. He isn't sure how to respond. His parents feel his suffering and try to build him up. They feel frustrated over how much peer approval means to their son despite their overwhelming support.

- A wife isn’t listened to. She is challenged and disputed for her opinions. She feels her husband’s disrespect in his judgments of her and in his tone of voice. There is very little appreciation or recognition expressed for her contribution to the marriage and family.

- A son is brought up with criticism and harsh judgments. He learns to see himself through his parents' eyes. Nothing he does seems good enough. He develops a negative self-image.

What do these situations have in common? They show the power of approval and acceptance of others in forming self-esteem. What others think of us matters a great deal in how we judge ourselves. Early experiences with parents and peers help form this opinion of the worthiness of self.

A person's self-image can be changed throughout the course of life. However, this becomes more difficult with the passage of time. Once a self-concept is formed, we ignore or discount information that doesn't already conform with what we already believe to be true about ourselves. For self-esteem to change later in life requires a highly impressionable experience to change the way we feel about ourselves.

If the feedback we get from others is largely negative, we adopt a defensive strategy of avoiding the source of the disapproval. We seek out those who approve or support the image we have of ourselves. Teens seek out peers who give positive messages when other messages from their social network are too threatening or negative.

What advice would I give to the five people in the examples above?

To the Woman Whose Mother-in-law Doesn't Accept Her:

Don't look to her for acceptance. Her opinion of you is flawed. Accept her as she is. Be gracious and courteous with her as best you can but don't expect what she is not about to give. Life is too short to be chasing rainbows. There are other people in your life who can and do appreciate you. Look to your spouse, your parents and your good friends for the appreciation and approval you need.

To the Daughter That Doesn't Measure Up to Her Father's Expectations:

Make the break you need to make. Live your life according to your own choosing. Endure the temporary pain of your father's disapproval. Your relationship with him will improve when he realizes you are independent and that he can no longer control you.

Living well and confidently is the best evidence he needs to re-evaluate your judgment and capability.

To the Teen-age Boy Struggling with Rejection:

Don't believe the message of bullies. They are doing what they are doing because of their own insecurities. Find a friend. Be good at something. Make a connection with somebody like you.

Friends are great but they can be fickle. How they act toward you may not reflect on you but on their own struggles and lack of maturity. Find an adult who appreciates you.

To the Wife with a Critical Husband:

Your lifelong companion should be your friend and value you for who you are. Your marriage isn’t a competition about who is right and wrong. You need to feel accepted and valued. Your differences and unique perspectives can be a blessing to each other. Address the issue and try to get on the same side in life. Seek counseling to help correct the destructive interactions that erode your happiness.

To the Overly-critical Parents of the Young Boy:

Relationships need to be overwhelmingly positive for negative messages to be assimilated well. You have great power to help your child feel good about himself.

Your child needs to hear often, "I love you because of who you are. No matter what happens, I will still care about you and want you to be happy." Don't withhold what is so easy to give.

To All Of Us:

Give approval, appreciation and recognition freely and liberally. We are influential in the lives of those who look to us for validation and support. Giving approval and acceptance is a simple act but it is so important.