Widowers React To Loss Of Wife

What is life for a man who loses a mate? How does he face the special challenges of life that lie ahead of him? Will the springtime of hope and joy return to a life filled with winter's long shadows and long nights?

The loss of a wife is one event for which there is no preparation. There is no way to take the sorrow out of death except to take the love out of life. The very depth of that love and caring is the cause of the emptiness and loneliness that follow.

Gone is the helpmate, the sounding board, the partner, the sharer of dreams, the daily companion, the confidante, the person for whom the most masculine of men can be gentle, loving, playful and vulnerable. The delight and enjoyment disappears from life.

Here are some thoughts expressed by widowers as they reflect on their new life without their mate. They also describe the painful steps in adjusting to the loss of their loved ones.

On the loss of companionship: "There is no one I can share things with and feel they understand. The goals and dreams we had are gone. That slate is wiped clean. There are days when I wonder what the purpose is. It is so totally different...so overwhelming. I get up and do what I need to do. Beyond that urge to take care of the day to day things, there is no anticipation, no excitement."

On not being prepared to care for oneself. "It is incredible the things I took for granted. There are a 1001 things I'd like to ask her. I am now at a total loss. I can't even take care or the simple business of housekeeping."

On the need to withdraw and grieve: "I feel like a sick pup. I just want to crawl under the porch and hide. I want to deal with the grief in my own way. I still want to be alone with my grief. I've wept."

On how long the grief lasts: "Some people tell me that by now, it shouldn't bother me so much. It simply isn't true. Some years after dad died, my mother exclaimed, 'I really miss dad!’ I didn't understand it at the time. Now I can understand."

On the new life alone: "It is unique. It is like losing a leg or an arm. Part of you is gone. It is like I'm doing everything for the first time. It is awkward, painful and not at all like it used to be or should be."

On not fitting in socially: "It seems like people have to work hard to figure out how to fit you in. I feel like I'm presenting a problem by being there. I'm a square peg in a round hole. Even if I enjoy myself, I have to come back to that big, dark house and rattle around in that thing. I hate to come home."

On hiding from pain by drinking: "I didn't have a drinking problem but I could sure see how bad it could be if I had one."

On keeping active socially: "I still went to all those organizations. It took a team of horses to get me to go to the square dance club that first time. I took my medicine and went. It got easier each time."

On remarriage: "I don't want to come into an empty house for the rest of my life. I know I'll be looking for a companion. I am not at all comfortable in my aloneness. I just want someone to share things with."

"Before her death my wife asked me, 'Out of due respect to me, would you wait a year before you start seeing anyone else.' During that year, I was content. I never gave it a thought, but after a year something clicked inside of me. It was time to get going again. It was something I had to do."

Advice for other men: "I have so many regrets about all the things that were left undone. The farm can be our driver. Don't be so totally dedicated to the farm that you fail to have fun and enjoyment along the way."

"Do things as you go. Take time to smell the flowers. There should have been more time for us instead of postponing those special times for a future that was never to be."

It is OK to grieve. Grief is not a disease to get over. The loss is the injury. Grieving is healing. This is not a test of whether a man can endure his pain silently. Part of accepting what has happened is to feel the pain and misery of the loss and to express it.

Adult children, their spouses and grandchildren share the loss and pain. This could be an awkward time for a father who isn't used to intruding into his children's lives. He needs to accept their love, help and presence in his life. They, more than anyone, are willing to listen and share feelings.

This side of life is a consequence of having lived and loved well. The loss of a companion is devastating. Yet it is a tribute to the resilience of the human spirit that widowers, widows and others who experience an irrevocable loss continue to live and to allow rays of sunshine to penetrate the dark night of their grief.