Dangerous Liaisons: When To Leave A Dangerous Relationship

According to a 1998 study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the National Institute for Justice, women are seven to 14 times more likely than men to report suffering severe physical assaults from an intimate partner.

Women who are in one-sided relationships need to take a strong stand to change the character and quality of their relationships. However, in violent relationships, a strong stand could precipitate retaliatory and life-endangering violence.

A judgment has to be made on whether it is best to confront the problem or just plain flee. Here are some guidelines for judging the potential for danger in violent relationships. These indicators should be considered in combination with each other and as a pattern of behavior. These are also stand-alone red flags for danger.

- A pattern of retaliatory violence or mutual combat. A woman, to stop the abuse or to strike back, may try to reciprocate the violence. The violence will escalate. Sometimes she chooses a weapon to equalize the power. Often the situation backfires and the man takes the weapon and uses it against her.

- A long history of physical, psychological or sexual violence in the relationship. Approximately 30 percent of violent offenders begin their violence during courtship.

- Previous threats of homicide or suicide with the ability or means to carry out the threats.

- Other forms of family violence. There may be violence or injury to children, injury and cruelty to animals and/or destruction of property.

- Threats and actual violence toward others outside the family. Fights with friends, bar fights, employers, etc. shows an even more precarious control of impulse than if the violence is confined only to the family.

- Chronic alcoholism and substance abuse. Violence happens quicker and the consequences are worse with the freeing effect of alcohol.

- A high degree of social isolation. There is a lack of friends, community and social involvement and minimal contact with relatives.

- Violence is used as the primary way to resolve conflict. Efforts at conflict resolution are futile and violence terminates the argument.

- Pathological jealousy and possessiveness. This may take the form of surveillance, reading personal mail, listening in on conversations, distrust about all contact with the opposite sex.

- Severe violence on a first episode. Violence is progressive. It usually escalates in severity and frequency. If the first incident involves weapons or injury, then the escalation quickly moves into a lethal range.

- Non-compliant response to law enforcement or court orders. Not returning home after agreeing to stay with a friend or going to a motel, not following through with restraining orders, counseling, etc.

- No attempt to make up after a violent episode. The cycle of violence usually starts with a buildup in tension, an explosive outburst of violence and a third stage of "making up" with a lot of loving and tender behavior. If the violent partner stops trying to make up after violent outbursts, then the danger potential of violence generally increases to a more lethal level.

What to do if you are fearful of violence. Here are some recommendations for women caught in relationships where their concern for their physical well-being and danger to their very lives outweigh any other considerations.

1. Leave! Leaving to protect your life or the lives of your children is not the same as making a permanent decision to end the marriage or the relationship. There will be plenty of time to sort out the future of the relationship.

Many times the risk for violence increases with leaving. You need to be in a safe place. The act of leaving requires a well thought out plan that ensures your and your children's safety. While most threats of suicide or homicide are never acted upon, these are real risks that need to be accepted when making the decision to leave.

2. Involve law enforcement. Their job is to provide safety. They can deal with violent situations effectively. The laws on domestic violence situations require decisive steps on the part of law enforcement. You have to judge your own situation and the advice that authority figures are giving you. Crisis centers and hotline services are sensitive to the safety needs in domestic violence cases.

3. Expand your support system. If family and friends are aware of your situation, you'll get needed support and ideas on how to cope.

4. Educate yourself on the issue. Gain power over the situation by learning from others. A good book to read is, "You Can Be Free: An Easy-To-Read Handbook for Abused Women," by Ginny NiCarthy and Sue Davidson (Seal Press 1989). There are also abundant resources on the Internet.

There is no excuse for domestic violence. None. No matter what the circumstances may be. Let's not blame the victim for a man’s lack of control over his anger. It is his problem, pure and simple. In those small minority of cases when the female partner is physically abusive, there is no excuse for her behavior either.

Until a husband or wife or a domestic partner realizes this, they will be locked in a destructive relationship that only grows worse with time. There is hope, but that hope depends on the courage to face the issue head on.

The unacceptable should not be accepted.