What Is The Deal On Men And Intimacy?

What do we know about men and intimacy? Psychologist Richard Osborne of Saratoga Springs, N.Y., has summarized research on various questions about males and intimate relationships.

Do men engage in fewer intimate relationships than women? Yes. Women have more same-sex friendships and they are longer in duration than male friendships. There is more personal sharing and exchange of support. Male friendships are focused on shared activities and interests. Beginning in the college years, men are most likely to name a woman as their best friend or confidant while women are more likely to name another female. Men's social isolation increases as they move into middle age and during later years.

Are men different than women when it comes to self-disclosure, expressiveness, and even non-verbal behavior? Yes. Men self-disclose less than women. Men hide their weaknesses while women conceal their strengths. Adolescent males are less likely to share negative judgments and feelings about themselves than their female counterparts.

Men are less proficient at recognizing feelings, either their own or others. Men are less expressive with their faces than are women. Men are less likely to sustain eye contact and avert their gaze. They maintain greater physical distance from others.

They smile less. Their voices are less soft, fluid, pleasant, and less varied in pitch. These nonverbal behaviors and voice quality play a role in communicating empathy.

This lack of expression is in spite of the fact that as infants males are more emotionally expressive than females. Also both in infancy and childhood, no differences were found in the amount of smiling between males and females.

Researchers suggest that males begin to respond to "display rules" - cultural standards about the quality and quantity of emotions that can be expressed in different contexts - as early as age 6.

Do men and women handle conversations differently? Studies show men are more dominating and controlling of conversation with women while women are more supportive and deferential. Women pay more attention to emotional tone and relational status (rapport talk) while males focus on informational content (report talk).

Males withhold feelings and information as a means to establish or maintain control in relationships. Women withhold feelings and information to avoid personal hurt.

Why do men avoid intimacy? Men avoid intimacy when they feel emotionally vulnerable. Oftentimes intimacy is seen as a threat to autonomy and masculine identity being seen as strong and in control.

Men, unlike women, spare themselves the vicarious stress, emotional pain and obligations that come from being empathetically connected to others. Emotional distance also helps keep a problem-solving focus.

These reasons, coupled with withholding as a power tactic, are why the threat of intimacy is perceived as outweighing the benefits it provides through support, validation and emotional release.

Does lack of male intimacy cause problems? Males with low intimacy are more stressed by life transitions and change. One study found that males who were high in intimacy had higher positive life adjustments 17 years later.

One reason males are thought to die younger is because of the lack of social supports in their lives and excess stress caused by habitual inexpressiveness and suppression of feelings. Men typically depend on their spouse or on their work associates for their social support. This leaves them vulnerable as they retire and lose wives through death and divorce.

Single, divorced and widowed men are more likely than either married men or their single female counterparts to experience a deterioration of physical and mental health. A woman's web of supportive relationships leaves her less dependent on marriage or emotional support. She is better equipped to seek support during times of stress.

Suppression of feelings and failure to confide leads to negative health results such as hypertension and other stress related diseases. Men tend to act out their emotional pain or stress arousal through risk-taking and aggression. They also manipulate or suppress their emotions through drug and alcohol use.

Research has shown that husbands feel far more understood and affirmed by their wives than visa versa. Sharing feelings and positive communications are the strongest predictors of marital happiness. A lack of emotional sharing is one of the main causes of women's greater unhappiness with marriage.

Poorer health. Poorer mental health. Social isolation. Poorer marriages. These are steep prices to pay for avoiding intimacy.