Teenage Daughters' Antics Puzzle Psychologist

(This article about teenage daughters was written 16 years ago when Dr. Farmer had five daughters living at home.)

Having one teenager in the family is enough to try the patience of Job. Having four borders on insanity. Oh yes! We have learned to count a 12-year-old as a teenager no matter what the world thinks!

In our family there are seven children. The first five are girls. The oldest is 19, just back from her first year at college. The others are ages 17, 15, 12, 10, 7 and 8 months.

Telephone etiquette: Very little. When the phone rings, the chances of winning the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes are greater than answering one's own phone call. Trained rats or pigeons don't learn negative reinforcement any better.

It becomes everyone's best interest not to answer the phone. Proximity is irrelevant. The penalty for answering the phone is the responsibility of hunting down the missing family member. We have Lincoln-Douglas debates about who is going to answer the phone.

If a teenager has the misfortune of answering the phone, she takes one step in the intended direction and shouts the name of the person being called. A parental reminder is needed that sound does not penetrate closed bedroom doors or blaring radios. The caller must conclude we are never home or that we live in a madhouse (with some accuracy).

Trading clothes: Everyone operates on the premise that "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too if I need it bad enough." We would never have a "balance of trade" problem with Japan if my daughters were the trade negotiators. They have memories like steel traps for every single thing ever loaned while forgetting their own raiding party that just occurred five minutes ago.

Occasionally the lender is privileged to see what she has just has "loaned" out on her sister's back scant minutes before the offender has to leave. She then decides it is her most "favorite" thing in her world, not covered by any agreements, and wants it back immediately. We have plenty of experience negotiating intense conflict during extremely tight time frames.

Parent solution: No trades under any circumstances. This works out well until some enterprising daughter tempts another with an outlandish bribe. Second solution: Trade at your own risk. We will not fight your battles for you.

With Mom's purse, jewelry, and makeup, there is no pretense at asking, it is just outright expropriation. After all, what are mothers for, if not the immediate happiness of their children? Such is the reasoning of children.

We have learned by sad experience to keep the house well-supplied with hair blowers and curling irons. Makeup is an excellent gift for any occasion.

Getting someplace on time: Impossible. Getting there on time will be a desperate crisis for one daughter and a matter of trivial consequence for another. The time it takes for a teen-age girl to get ready expands to the allotted time plus an additional five to ten minutes to get everyone's adrenalin flowing.

The daughter that is not ready stalls the rest of us by claiming she is "just about ready." This turns out to be a very liberal interpretation of her state of readiness judging by the time she takes. The others are self-righteously outraged at being made late, delighted that the shoe is on the other foot for once.

What about poor Mom and Dad? Did you every hurry a teen-age girl out the door before she was ready? We've learned there are more important things than being punctual - like not being arrested for child abuse.

Taking showers: Hot water ranks up there with food, radios and car keys as precious commodities. We had worked out the delicate balance of juggling hot water for showers . . . that is until our oldest daughter, the "queen of the long shower," came back from college. Our 12-year-old immediately saw the picture and made it a practice of getting up 10 minutes early to get first crack at the hot water.

They don't make hot water heaters big enough for a family like ours.

Taking care of the baby: Everyone wants to hold the baby in church. To take care of him when he is fussy or needs his pants changed is another matter. Everyone is an expert in figuring out who else can do it. Mom has to drop what she is doing to take care of him.

Car keys, car keys, who bas the car keys? With three cars, four drivers and five sets of car keys, why do we need to remove a key from a key ring to get someone on the road?

Answer: Misplaced car keys (or anything) can set off frantic search moments before a teen has an urgent engagement. Solution: Borrow keys from anybody who has keys, which in turn sets off a chain reaction that creates the next crisis.

Paying for gas: Gasoline is definitely a parental responsibility even though the children have bank accounts larger than our own. Spending their own money for gas is a foreign concept. When they fill up the tank with their own money, we figure they will have just entered adulthood.

We have other questions for which we have no satisfactory answers. Why is no desert ever safe from marauding teenagers? Why does everyone need her radio going at the same time? When do kids learn to put lids on the toothpaste? Why is Mom the only one who knows how to replace toilet paper on the spool? Why are towels only used once, regarded as "untouchable," and rapidly become so after being left in a heap on the bathroom floor?

I don't understand these things. Does anyone? Maybe what I need is a psychologist, but somehow I have a sneaking suspicion it won't do much good.