Toddler Brings Love, Excitement To Family

This column, which was published in May 1988, was written from his perspective as a father. Today he has profound respect and sympathy for his family and all others who have toddlers of their own.

His name isn’t Dennis but he is certainly a menace. He is a toddler. He lives at our house. He has more misbegotten adventures than Don Quixote and his imagination is just as wild.

He is a menace to himself and to all that he surveys. It takes a full-time mother and (six bodyguards) just to keep up with him. He does not know his limitations. He is an explorer in a veritable garden of delights. He is a budding scientist who tries impulsive on-the-spot experiments with whatever catches his eye. Everything is fair game.

He masters the art of climbing, but not getting down. This fearless climber only bellows out for assistance when his perch is so precarious that even he knows there is danger in making one more move.

He plays on top of the piano. From the table top, he grabs chandelier prisms and throws them. He has figured out that he can climb almost anywhere he wants by moving a chair into position. We started child proofing our house from five feet and below.

He climbs up on the toilet seat to play with his sisters’ perfume. If he is rudely interrupted, as his last hurrah, he takes a vicious swipe to knock everything off.

He climbs into the sink, plugs it up, turns on the water, floods himself and the bathroom and finally yells for help. He turns on an outside faucet and floods a window well.

He likes to sample toilet water with whatever dipping instrument he can find. His mother’s toothbrush will do. He is fascinated by flushes and practices his magic act by trying to make things disappear - like entire rolls of toilet paper, jewelry, combs or any other object normally found in a bathroom.

He is a mechanic, biologist and electrician. He unwinds cassette tapes, flips and pushes light switches, cassette players, radios, and TVs. Did you ever try to vacuum with a toddler who takes great delight in unplugging your cord. A plug guard becomes a challenge to remove. He feeds a burning fire in the fireplace with anything that is handy.

Our cat enjoys a healthy regard for his style of fur pulling and makes a hasty exit whenever he comes around.

As a neophyte physicist, he likes the effect of slamming doors. Occasionally he has trapped himself in a room by being on the wrong side of his experiment of moving large objects on hinges.

When his meal is over, he clears his tray¼ on the floor. If a table isn’t cleared immediately after a meal, he climbs up and starts to play with whatever edible or non-edible dish he can find.

He rips covers off of magazines. He dumps over plants. He decorates with makeup that is left out by unsuspecting sisters. You would think they would wise up, but they don’t. He rummages through garbage.

He disconnects the phone cord - while you are on the phone. He dials on a second phone when someone is on the line. The police have returned his 911 phone call.

He writes on wallpaper with indelible ink. He discovers pencils when none were thought to exist and practices artwork on whatever is handy.

He tires to go for neighborhood walks by himself. He gets a spanking for going into the street. The next time he gets out, he gets a big smile on his face and makes a beeline for the street.

Oh is he ever helpful! He’s unloaded the freezer compartment of the refrigerator so many times it had to be emptied. He pushes buttons on the microwave. He opens the dryer and takes out wet clothes. He pounds on the computer keyboard and piano keys. He spots a stack of freshly folded clothes and throws them on the floor.

If he is angry, he throws his head and body around. It doesn’t matter is there is a wall, a door or someone’s head in the way.

Mechanic, daredevil, artist, mad scientist, world class explorer, animal handler. Whatever he is, he is a handful. We had forgotten about the antics of this age. I don’t see how.

He also has sparkling brown eyes and a winning smile. He looks so innocent when he is asleep. One cannot stay exasperated forever. He brings a lot of love into the family - and lots of excitement.