Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Being A Grandfather - Off To A Good Start

June 2, 2003

I’ve gone from one grandchild to ten in 8 short years. Number 11 is on the way.

What have I learned about being a grandfather so far? How is it different from being a father?

Being there. Though our six married children are spread out from California to Utah to North Carolina, I’ve supported my wife in being there shortly after the births of the grandchildren. Our daughters want the special mothering they get during that time. They want to share the excitement of the new addition with their mother. In fact for one birth, not only was my wife and my son-in-law present in the delivery room, but our oldest daughter - a medical doctor - helped deliver the baby. Two other sisters were also there. We took family birthing to a whole new level.

I seek out the grandchildren to spend time with them. That means finding a way of getting together. Lately we have had the pleasure of hosting different families in our home in North Dakota. It hasn’t been easy to grandparent from a half a continent away.

As they can afford it, our children come to visit. As we can afford it, we go to them. I believe the children want to expose their children to some of the things they remember when they were growing up.

One wise woman commenting to a mother of a large family said, "Your hands are full now, your heart will be full later." That is true for us. The best way to love and help our adult children is to love our grandchildren.

It starts with very young. I love holding the newborns. They are so tiny and precious. They are a miracle from God. Robert Frost said, "A baby is God’s opinion that life must go on." A client, whose life contains more than her share of illness and unhappiness, draws most of her courage and inspiration to continue to struggle from the joy she gets from being around her grandchildren. When a newborn comes, both generations unite in supporting the child.

One-to-one. The relationship with each grandchild is individual. It depends on a conscious decision to personalize the time and make myself memorable in each grandchild’s life.

I have a special name. "Granddad." That is to distinguish me from the other grandparents in their lives. I say it in a special and scary way to get their attention. It is a good name that I have to live up to.

Living at a distance, I take on the challenge of overcoming their natural fear of strangers. I may be strange but I won’t be a stranger for long. "Whether you want to or not, I am going to have a special relationship with you." I am in their face. I do my thing. I overcome their wariness, whether it is one visit, two visits or whatever it takes. After that it is gravy.

Fun time. I play with them. I read to them. I tell improvised stories. I play special gymnastic games with them, games that their mothers remember.

I take them out for ice cream. To the movies. I take them to the park. I push them on swings. I watch and "ooh and aah" over their little accomplishments. I build sand castles on the beach.

I try to be fun for them. I work them up. Others settle them down.

One six-year-old granddaughter asked me to play "Barbies" with her. It was a bunch of girl talk. It was repetitive. It wasn’t my idea of fun. My daughter was impressed that I could get into it even though it isn't exactly my cup of tea.

Not so fun times. I feed them. And when I absolutely have to, I clean them up. I comfort them. I try to soothe them. I kiss their "owies." I try not to clash with them. Distracting them works better. This kind of caregiving and nurturing helps with building relationships also.

I volunteer to watch them while the women go do their thing. Going out of my way to give my daughters a break from their mothering makes it enticing for them to have us visit or come to visit. They also need couples time without having to worry about the children.

Sharing our heritage. When we can, we attend church together. We share our heritage by example. I pray for them. The teaching moments will come as they mature. The one-to-one time will include getting to know each other. There will be time for sharing wisdom, encouragement, a listening ear, educational experiences and adventures.

Photography is important. Someday, when they are old enough to appreciate it, the grandchildren will have a visual record of their memories. Casual photography captures those special moments of mutual delight. Hopefully, someday their emotional memories will be stirred by gifts, pictures, and tokens of the bond that existed between us.

Mainly I want the grandchildren to know, "Granddad loved me." "I’m special to Granddad."

Rewards. I love being a grandfather. It is a slice of the fun part of parenting - without the hard work, the struggle or responsibility of raising children. From the pleasure it brings me, I can say that I am off to a good start. I hope that my children and grandchildren think so too. It can only get better.