Grief And Mourning More Complicated For Teens

Life is full of tragedy. When death comes, it is often an unwelcome and untimely intruder. Like all of us, teens who go through a loss need to mourn openly. It is a part of the healing process. However there are reasons why teenagers struggle with the grieving process.

Developmental issues. One developmental task of teens is to separate from parents. While living at home and being dependent, teens push toward control over their own choices and assert their own values and beliefs. They actively try to reduce their emotional dependence on others.

The expression of grief runs counter to the developmental goal of proving to themselves and to their parents how they don’t need to depend on others for support. The conditioning of males in society to be strong and in control of emotions further compounds the issue for teenage boys.

In the process of separating, a teen normally has to devalue the relationship with a parent. If the relationship were to evolve with time, there would be an opportunity for reconciliation and a renewed appreciation of the family bond.

Young adults who have successfully left home feel safe enough to reconnect with parents. If the death of a parent interrupts this process, the youth is left with ambivalent feelings and guilt. There was unfinished business between them that can't be resolved. The more conflict in the relationship with the deceased parent, the more problematic may be the grieving process.

Youths who are close to and dependent on parents are also vulnerable. They feel abandoned and alone. Their future isn’t as secure. Life isn’t as secure. They believe themselves to be lacking in the social skills necessary to negotiate life’s problems without their parent’s love, guidance and support.

Even youths with "normal" dependency needs will feel the loss and deprivation of a nurturing parent during this sensitive time period. They experience sadness and emptiness for the loss of the special relationship they had with the deceased parent.

Suddenness of death. Teens are more likely to experience a sudden death, especially one involving a middle-aged parent, a sibling, or a close friend. It is also quite likely that the mode of death will be violent, traumatic and incomprehensible.

More than other deaths, suicide carries an extra weight of emotional baggage. The emotional experience of grieving is more painful and prolonged under these untimely and devastating circumstances. It feels unreal. The emotional pain and turmoil are exquisite. The world spins out of control. It feels like you are going crazy.

Unique pressures. Older teens may be away from home. The distances, the costs, and the pressures of schoolwork make it tempting for parents to exclude the teen from the funeral and the mourning process. Teens away from home go through a death isolated and alone - without anyone close to them to help them mourn.

Parents may discourage their child from attending a friend's funeral to protect him or her from upset and depression. Again, without the opportunity to say goodbye and participate in the funeral, the grief work is harder and longer.

Teens often rely on other teens for emotional support. When it comes to death, the usual supports aren't as strong. Without personal experience with death themselves, friends may feel inadequate to deal with their grieving friend's emotional trauma.

Death is superimposed on a teen environment that is normally stressful. Pressures of school, dating, peer acceptance, sexuality, and family relationships are powerful. Teens grope for meaning, significance and autonomy. Life doesn't stop for a death. It gets more complicated.

Issues of guilt and conflict. Teens often have guilt when there was conflict or unfinished business between themselves and the deceased. Issues of cause and effect are often blurred. With a friend, guilt may be connected in some way with the circumstances. They ask the "what if" questions. Teens wrestle with making sense of the death and trying to reconcile their faith in God.

Acting out grief through anger and rebellious behavior is also common. Adults minimize the behavior as "normal" teen-age turmoil and don't probe enough to help the teen mourn the loss. Males tend to act out their grief through anger and temper outbursts while females may seek nurturing and comfort through sexual relationships.

Many times teens are put in the role of acting out adult roles after the death of a parent. "You are the 'big man' or 'big woman' of the family." Teens are encouraged to feel responsible and delay their grief while shouldering adult responsibilities and expectations.

Delayed grief response. Delayed grief results in chronic low-grade depression, physical health problems, and problems in intimacy. There is a fear of becoming too close to someone who might leave or abandon them. A teen with a history of emotional neglect or abuse will have even more difficulty finding security and identity after experiencing the death of a close friend or relative.

Grief over a death during teen years will occur at other times in the life cycle when the absence of the deceased is deeply felt, such as at graduation, holidays, marriage, a first job, first child, and special accomplishments.

These perspectives on teen grieving were shared by Dr. Alan Wolfelt of the Center for Loss and Transition, Fort Collins, CO.