Getting Along With Teenagers

Your normally delightful child has blossomed into being a teenager. He or she has come to a stage in life where lockjaw, selective amnesia and hearing loss have set in. A teen’s idea of a scintillating conversation consists of either tenacious debating or monosyllabic obnoxiousness. Sound fun? Not exactly.

Dr. Farmer. What can you say to parents who are feeling the stress of dealing with teens?

This, too, shall pass. Your teens are normal. The idea of challenging and testing parental authority is a normal part of growing up. They are preparing for the day when they have to assume authority of their own lives. Some of this negativity and asserting their own will is normal growing up. Love them and outlast them.

So how do parents handle teens who suddenly seem to have a "chip on their shoulder."

My best advice here is to keep your cool. Have a thick skin. Don't take back talk personally. Ignore what you can. Teens don't talk if the net result is that they are going to be jumped on.

Have clear rules and consequences in dealing with problems rather than getting into power struggles with them. Rules can cover such things as doing household chores, keeping curfews, outlawing certain activities such as smoking and drinking, and closing any loopholes they discover. Using matter of fact discipline is the best discipline.

Avoid conflict. Reduce your own negative emotions. Listen and accept their negative emotions. Emotions such as anger, sadness and worry are normal. Blaming parents is easier than looking too closely at their own behavior. It is OK to be a "mean" parent.

Keep the ratio of positive to negative interactions a lot more on the positive side. Too many parents interact with their teens only when there are problems.

What can parents do to keep a relationship positive when teens are busy trying to rock the boat?

Have fun together. Do things together. Make some family memories. Comment on the good things your teen is doing. Family activities and appreciation balance out some of the normal negativity. Not all conversations have to be deadly serious. Lighten up and inject humor into the relationship.

What if you are in conflict, how do you handle it?

Take time to listen to them. Be careful of conversation stoppers like blaming, threatening, criticizing, ordering, probing, prying, advice-giving, arguing and lecturing. Even if you don't agree with them, they want to feel they have had a chance to make their point.

Get them to talk and open up. Find out what they are thinking and feeling. Be available at times when teens are unwinding. Some of their concerns will come out if you are together naturally.

Get the full story before jumping in. The goal should be to understand them - not change them. Respect starts with good listening and understanding. Get in touch with your own feelings but refrain from sharing them too quickly.

Model good conflict resolution skills. Listen. Project concern. Negotiate. Be flexible. Control your anger. Use common courtesy. Manage your own frustration and the emotional intensity of the conflict. Let them walk off. Revisit the issue another time.

Here is a scary thought. The same style of problem-solving you use with them will be the style they will adopt as young adults in their relationships.

If you want their cooperation, describe the problem and how you feel about it. Let them have a hand in coming up with the solution. Let them pick from a range of options or provide their own solution.

What if you have strong opinions?

Teens need reasons. Some of these reasons come from your own life. Don't be afraid to share your ideas and life experiences with them. They need to get to know you, who you are and why you think the way you do. Letting them know your background will give them some reasons why.

Is there a time to let go?

Give information, not solutions. This is important, especially for older teens. Within certain limits, let them make their own decisions and solve their own problems. This means shifting to an adviser or consultant role - a tough thing to do for most parents. Give information. Suggest alternatives. Help them think through their issues without taking over.

Post this list on your refrigerator door to remind you that how to manage conflict with teens. You'll need this more often than you like.

- Testing authority is normal.

- Keep your cool. Have a thick skin.

- Sidestep conflict by having clear rules and consequences.

- Listen to negative emotions.

- Keep the overall relationship positive.

- Listen to them.

- Model good conflict resolution skills.

- Let them help provide the solution.

- Share background and experiences.

- Shift to an advisor role.

If you’re not perfect at doing this, don’t be too hard on yourself. All this is easier said than done.