Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Advice For Mothers-In-Law: Become A Relative Of Choice

September 17, 2002

One of life’s more interesting relationships is that of a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law. We have received our first daughter-in-law this year. My wife didn’t choose her for a lifelong relationship, my son did.

To help chart a path of safety and pleasure amid the booby traps, I prepared some guidelines for mothers-in-law to follow. This is also personal. We ourselves need to walk the talk. Here is the talk.

Let go of your son. Your son's basic loyalty should be for his wife. Relate to them as a couple. You don't need a special relationship with your son that excludes her. Your chances to mother him are over. Accept his imperfections. Some of the things you used to do for him are now her responsibility. Daughters-in-law who find out they've married a mama's boy and that mama still wants to take care of him, resent the intrusion and the competition.

Meet your own needs. Your own goals, social life, work and a rewarding relationship with your husband will lift and sustain you. Without your sense of personal priorities you'll be tempted to depend on your children for part of your happiness.

In subtle ways you may unwittingly obligate them to meet your needs. This isn't healthy for the relationship. If your children relate to you out of a sense of obligation, it will take some of the joy out of it for them.

What daughters-in-law appreciate is your special relationship with the grandchildren. The best way to love and be involved with your children is to love their children. Do things for them and with them. Be sensitive to their parent's wishes and don't overstep your bounds.

Don’t mother your daughter-in-law. She isn't looking for another mother. Criticism and unwanted advice are not welcome. She wants her own sphere of influence to be respected.

It is her husband, her home, her children, her lifestyle and her territory. Accept her as she is, her good and bad points together. Your son has to adjust, cope and solve problems with her, not you.

Keep your doubts and criticism private. An unkind word or a harsh judgment that gets back to your daughter-in-law may destroy the fabric of trust and confidence she has in you for years to come.

You are not responsible for her faults and imperfections. You weren't her mother. Her actions don't reflect on you. You can respect her easier as an equal partner because you don't have the memory of any of her false steps during the troublesome and willful adolescent years. You inherit her more mature and polished personality.

Don't volunteer advice. Your ideas may be resented unless she is "ready" for your answers. You'll know when she is ready because she'll ask for help or ideas. Then your advice will be well-received if it is given in a way where she is not obligated to act on it.

Stand back, be patient and let her make mistakes and struggle with life. Give her the support she asks for but don't take over her problems. Let you daughter-in-law set the tone for how much closeness and support she would like from you.

Too much togetherness may be harmful. I’ve heard that the best distance for relationships is over 30 miles and less than 300. This will lessen the opportunity for an enmeshed relationship where boundaries may become blurred and expectations created.

A separate social life is desirable. Your children need their own friends and social life. With some distance between you and with respectful boundaries, there will be plenty of opportunities for family gatherings, holidays and celebrations but space enough for the nuclear family to form its own identity.

Be considerate and appreciative. Consideration, appreciation and common courtesies help make relationships special. The language of love is filled with "please's" and "thank you's."

Balance out favors. One-sided relationships in either direction eventually create resentments.

Understand that you have to share your son and daughter-in-law with her family. Let them make choices and accept their plans. Discuss ideas and invite them but keep the pressure off. Go easy on the guilt.

Become a relative by choice. In some ways, a mother-in-law relationship can be smoother and more rewarding than a mother/daughter relationship. You can be there to step in during times of special need and have the luxury of being a friend and share some common interests. You can share the joy of her family. She will grow to be one of your own.

The Sioux have an expression -"relative by choice" - to describe the lifelong bond between friends. In the rich opportunity and shared lives that in-laws’experience, the choice may have been made for you by a son or daughter, but the opportunity is still there to transform their choice into your own. Through love, acceptance and respect, you can take what is given and make it into something beautiful and sweet.