Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

America's Heroes: Foster Parents

October 8, 2001

The tragic events of the past few weeks have brought clarity to the word "hero." The men and women who first responded to the World Trade Center disaster put themselves in harm’s way as they sought to aid and protect others. Many paid a dear and ultimate price for their sacrifice, their own lives.

These were ordinary people who sacrificed themselves for others by doing their duty. I would like to dedicate this column to those people who were in the twin towers who gave their lives by stopping and assisting someone else and to those who rushed from safety to lethal danger to save lives.

A while back I attended a workshop for foster parents. I listened as they described some of the challenges they face in taking someone else’s children into their homes. These people are also true heroes and heroines. They take that which is most precious and private - their home, intimate family life and their love - and share it with children from less fortunate circumstances.

To do this for someone else’s children is extraordinary. Here are a few of the challenges they face.

Different backgrounds. These children come into their homes with largely unknown histories. They are angry children - hurt children and damaged children. Foster parents are getting involved with their foster children's emotional problems at the 11th hour. These are hard problems. Foster children come with a variety of drug and alcohol problems, eating disorders, sexual abuse histories, behavioral problems, learning disorders and emotional scars that defy imagination.

Frequently foster children have had multiple placements. They are not eager to bond. They need to protect themselves from short term relationships. On the other hand, the foster family already has a bond and wants to share their love. The amount of influence foster parents can have is limited by the fact they can’t plan a future together with their foster children.

Foster parents don’t have an emotional "bank account" to cash in during the tough or challenging times. They have to adjust their schedules to meet their foster children’s needs and to take time for communication and listening.

New environment. Many foster children come from homes that lack structure. They don’t have a way to think about life frames such as holidays, family meals or activities. They may lack respect for parental authority or for authority figures in general. Basic helping in a family setting is often a foreign concept to them. Kids come with a great ability to take and take but not with an ability to give back.

Foster parents try to share a moral base for living that they value. It is hard to impose morals on kids that haven’t been taught morals and values. Foster parents have to be patient with the process of teaching boundaries, respect for privacy and possessions, and being a teacher in general.

Discipline is different. Foster children may wait for abuse or some negative discipline to happen in the foster home. They are more skilled at manipulation.

Many times the foster home has things like television, computers or video games to stimulate them. Their own experience with viewing the electronic media may be radically different than how the foster family uses the media.

Foster parents also have the challenge of helping their own children integrate with foster children - sharing time, attention and space - and make sure it is a positive experience for them as well.

Outside influences. Many times their biological parents come back into the picture at some level just enough to undermine the foster parents’ efforts. Foster children have others in their lives making decisions for them: legal guardians, custodians, judges, social workers, school administrators, etc. Sometimes foster children are yanked out of foster care with little notice.

Support. Foster parents have a social support system through Professional Association of Treatment Homes or PATH, other foster parents and required regular educational experiences. Also with foster children, foster parents can be more detached and objective. They know they didn’t "cause" the problem and that they are not the only ones that can help. They have options. They have a choice to stop foster parenting if things are not working out.

Rewards. The greatest rewards come with seeing changes and really "fostering" a difference in a child’s life. The love and respect they gave so freely are returned.

One parent said, "Along with these letters (from a former foster child) came increased words of gratitude and love for the foster parents we had been, for the love we offered her, and for being there for her at just the right time in her life when she needed us so badly. She was apologetic for how she treated us, with genuine sorrow and remorse. She wanted to thank me for the influence I had had in her life that shaped her. Rewarding? I would say so!"

"I wish all stories were so beautiful. In many cases our foster kids were carried off to jail, to group homes, to detention, some back to ugly, abusive home lives. Some I see on the streets who now treat me as a human being, offering a hug and a word of thanks that I never heard when they lived with us. Some have brought their children back to us to be baptized and nurtured as ‘foster grandparents’."

Foster parents are heroes. They are trying to save lives in their own way.